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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry that I ask too many questions. I must ask questions when beginning a task or something new because if I know now I won't need to ask later. I don't understand why people get mad when I am just trying to confirm how something will proceed. Knowing ahead of time prevents confusion later, isn't this a good thing?

I'm sorry I don't know the right thing to say at the right time. I wish I knew, but my mind is flooded with information all the time and when a common greeting is made, or something is asked of me, it takes a while for me to fully understand what is going on. Many times it will take an hour before I know what I should have said. Sometimes I'll say something unrelated, or out of context, and I don't mean to and I don't want to make anyone mad, but it seems that happens a lot.

I'm sorry that I can't put myself in your shoes. I know my mom experienced this in 2008. We were at my sister's house in northern Indianapolis getting ready to go to a race in Fort Wayne when she tripped over a toy and fell backwards into a table with her head. I was the only one home and was quite nervous. My mom may have been partially knocked out, but she was certainly dazed, and when she finally looked at me I asked a very important question, "Um, mom, are we still going to the race?" Hours later I knew what I should have said, but at the time I was flooded with fear on the schedule change and I asked what I was thinking. I also proceeded not to help her up because she didn't ask.

I'm sorry I don't share the same concept of friendship as the rest of the world. I don't know if I'm sorry for you, or for me on this one. I see friends as someone to compete against at games. I don't know how to make that personal connection with someone. How does one do this? What is the art of making a true friend? This answer seems to be very elusive. For those that I consider friends I am always sure, every time I see or talk to them, that they hate me and I have to try and get on their good side again. This is a tough task and proves to provide a high level of anxiety.

I'm sorry I get fixated on things or concepts. Once my mind finds something interesting I can't simply turn it off. In 2008 I became obsessed with North Korea. I read and read an read and didn't care about anything else. With my friends on Xbox Live I would just recite stat after stat about it. They tried to steer the conversation elsewhere, but I would have none of it. This is a pattern of my life as in grade school I would always talk about racing with no end. During the Spring I would drone on and on about weather with no stopping of breath.

I'm not sorry for sticking with what I believe in. I'm not sorry for sometimes being a pain when I know I am right. I am me and while there may be some quirks, don't we all? While I know I can be repetitive and seemingly cold at times, this is the way I am. Above this and all else I am not sorry for being on the autism spectrum. It can be hard at times, but life on the other side of the wall isn't all bad. I'm sorry if you can't see that.

9 comments:

  1. Aaron, you are not the only one who said something less than appropriate in a circumstance where the mother was injured. Your dad's cousin Larry walked into the kitchen where his mom had just accidentally pulled a kettle of hot pickles and juice off the stove onto her legs. She was sitting in hot sticky pickle juice and Larry said, "I guess we don't get pickles this year, do we?" Larry doesn't have Asperger's so don't worry that it is always being an Aspie that does it. Sometimes we just say the wrong thing.

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  2. Getting a lot of insight here. Thanks.

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  3. You just made me cry. This may be your best blog yet.

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  4. Oh my, it's like reading something my husband could have written, he is also diagnosed with aspergers. They are only words but they still almost make me cry, but most importantly it made me smile in recognition at some parts.

    I know that you know, but you have nothing to be sorry about. Just like my husband you are an unique individual who needs to be respected for who you are, just like anyone else. But thank you ever so much for sharing something that can be very personal, it takes courage.

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  5. Due to a Blogspot error I was unable to post this comment, so I will do it manually:

    Eva said:

    "Oh my, it's like reading something my husband could have written, he is also diagnosed with aspergers. They are only words but they still almost make me cry, but most importantly it made me smile in recognition at some parts.

    I know that you know, but you have nothing to be sorry about. Just like my husband you are an unique individual who needs to be respected for who you are, just like anyone else. But thank you ever so much for sharing something that can be very personal, it takes courage."

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  6. I just read this blog post and tears are still coming out... I think I'm going to share this post with my friends, since it's very similar to how I feel and what I've said to my friends lately...

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  7. My son is almost 10 now and was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was 6 yrs old. I had to laugh when I read your post because those are all things that he would say and does. He has had obsessions since he was a baby and he hardly ever says the right things at the right times. Life is definately more interesting with my son in it.

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  8. I know you likely heard the line in the movie love story. So with that in mind, I will advocate that you do not say you are sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. Your Creator made you this way and that is all there is to it. You are bilogically determined to think and act as you do.
    I am a big believer in the neurodiversity and it movement in the ASD culture. We, (I have A.S.), try our best not to hurt another individual, so we can enrich self and others, That is all anybody can ask. What hurts me the most is tha common assumption my Theory of Mind gaffes were designed to be malicious and other's respond to me maliciously out of that assumption, and misperception-ouch.
    BTW great blogs.

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