Today I will be driving to Springfield for another round of presentations. When I get there this time I will know where I am staying (I spent 20 minutes arguing with my Garmin GPS) and I know where I will be speaking. This is comforting because I know where to go and what to do.
In a entry last week I talked about how difficult it is for me to handle situations that I am unsure of what I should be doing. Direction is key for me. I mentioned that in those awkward times of unsureness I will exhibit a strange way about me that often looks like I am uncomfortable. I am beginning to cal this positional warfare because it truly is a battle wit myself to try and make myself comfortable.
The problem with positional warfare is that the battle truly is internal, but it is fought externally. If I am in a situation that I don't know what to do, say, I am unsure if I should be doing more or less, or say if I am thinking about asking for something I will start my positional warfare.
Positional warfare, at least for me, is a clear sign that I am processing a lot of thoughts and that no matter how I hold myself in posture and demeanor I am unhappy. The urge to move my body is uncontrollable as I am trying to scratch a metaphorical itch that I can feel but does not exist.
When I am unsure of what to do I panic. Let's compare this to when I know what to do. The picture to the right was Saturday afternoon and I am the person behind the flagman. My level of perceived ability had to be much greater than when I was simply observing as I did in Terre Haute because I had direction. I knew exactly what to do and I felt much more comfortable being. Yes, I said being; when I am unsure what to do my whole state of being is in question. This leads to the multiple body shifts and is rather anxiety inducing. However, Saturday up in the flagstand I wasn't shifting my weight around, I wasn't pacing, and I wasn't constantly changing the way I had my arms.
Just as it would seem with other aspects of the spectrum, this trait is either on or off. I won't be mildly sure of what to do. I either will be 100% focused or I will be uncomfortable and lost.
What gives direction? When I worked at the video game store I was lost up until I knew the rules and sales pitch for the magazine subscription. My direction was to sell those and within that direction I was able to not feel funny about my stance or posture. The downside was that if there was no customer there wasn't really an Aaron. I was there, but I was so unsure of what to say and what to do that I was simply a shell of a person.
I think I love games because in most every game there is direction. The direction, in terms of games, is an objective. Let me know what I should be doing. Let me know what my objective should be. When I try and figure these things out I often get frustrated because my options are often delayed and often wrong.
I don't need to worry about any of that today though. I continue my journey as I transition from the wonderful world of auto racing and go back to the race to spread awareness and understanding. Today will be a good day!