Once again my day started early and pulling into the track in the early morning hours with a cause is something that I could write about for hours, but that would probably bore you so I shall flash forward through the day to events I am all too familiar with, sunglasses or not.
I had a rocky start getting used to the 6 to 8 second laps, but within a few heat races we were a well oiled machine. 36 total heat races were on tap today and on top of that it was hot.
All was going well until the final race. A perfect storm of events happened and I still don't fully know what occurred and how it occurred, and I won't try and explain because what/why is irrelevant. Nobody in the race was upset, but it was still a blunder of sorts and I believe perfection is a virtue. There should be no mistakes, and I made one, sort of, I think, but nobody was mad but nonetheless I was upset with myself.
Doing the sunglasses experiment or not, I struggle with dwelling on mistakes. I analyze the what and why, and in this case I can't really do it because it was all so confusing. I have always done this with dwelling and one small mis-step, just one small blunder can ruin an entire experience.
This dwelling on a blunder is a must understand topic, I believe. This does tie into eye contact because if I make a mistake in eye contact I will just think about the eye contact and miss everything else that is going on around me.
This happened to me today as well as while I was taking down the caution lights and walking back to the trailer a person was blocking my entry so I do what I normally do and that is wait. It is so hard for me to say, "excuse me" because I am always sure it will make the person angry with me. His response to me was, "why didn't you yell at me instead of just standing there?"
Why didn't I yell? It is hard if not impossible to ask for something. On top of that I was elsewhere in my mind contemplating just how bad of a screw up I had made, if at all, and my mind was not really there in the physical sense because I was thinking so hard.
It is a shame that this blunder occurred in the final event because I, more now than ever, believe that "whatever is now is forever". So, using that logic, if this had happened at the start of the day I would have had to brush it aside to move on to the next event, but now I have all night to fret if I will ever get to flag another event after this one (I know I will, next week at the SKUSA Pro Tour race in Shawano, Wisconsin).
How did the glasses work out today? I noticed I remembered people's name and that is a huge deal for me because I am the worst person with names. Could I not remember names simply because I don't look at people and I looked at them yesterday? Perhaps.
So, as I look outside right now, it is rainy and simply miserable looking outside and is a great symbolic resemblance of how I feel right now. I may feel bad, and I know I will be thinking about that blunder all night, but I have to go on, I have to move on. One other official said, "If that's the only mistake of the day it was a good day." and maybe tomorrow I will believe that, but perfection is a virtue, and sadly, like everyone else, I am not perfect.