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Wednesday, August 18, 2010

A Fragile State

With the sad event of last week (losing Chessie the dog) all other events in my life seem bleaker. In my books I mention many times the avalanche of emotions that can be felt by one event. This may seem unusual to you, but for me it is something I have had to live with forever.

Any time there is a jolt of emotion all other feelings get magnified. Events recent, and events long ago get felt anew. It makes for a roller coaster of emotion and it is difficult. Feeling emotions is something that stretches my limits to the maximum and the results usually see me try to isolate myself. This is the fragile state.

I try to avoid feeling emotions. I look at everything from a logic stand point to avoid emotions. This, however, is hard to do in an emotional world.

When I feel emotions I get tired. Processing them is difficult and they tend to linger around like an unwanted party guest. I get very frazzled and need to isolate myself as much as possible because all stimuli, be it sensory or other people, is magnified. I may be more sensitive to sounds and may be less receptive to other people. I know this about me so I try to avoid putting myself in situations that may, on normal occasions be fine but in this fragile state overwhelm me.

It's a whirlpool of issues when this fragile state happens and one thing I want you to know is that if you know a person on the spectrum and they try to talk to you on an emotional level please make every effort to listen right then and there. Opening up is something that may take me hours to accomplish and the window of opportunity is slim. I have had situations where I hear, "we'll talk later" or something along those lines and, while for everyone else this works, for me I may not be able to do so later. My mind is very combative with itself in terms of emotions and will strive to make every effort to avoid the conversation so if that window is open you should most certainly take it.

In years past when I get to this fragile state I have been asked, "What is the problem?" and I respond with the answer, "everything" because that is what it is. All emotions regarding all events get felt anew like it all happened today. Over time I have noticed that these emotions do ebb, but it may take a week or two. Losing Chessie was hard, but I am still having dreams every night about the Kenya ordeal that I blogged about last week.

I heard a speaker one time say people with Asperger Syndrome have a limited amount of emotions. This could not be farther from the truth! I have emotions, but I try to keep them low, but when the emotions over flow I have a hard time functioning.

From my experiences I want to speak and say that if you know a person that has had an event that has had some emotional trauma to it and the person tries to isolate them self from you this is not 100% personal against you. Being alone allows for a much faster processing time of emotions. I also don't want to hurt you emotionally while I go through my turbulence because I may get a bit "snippy".

I used the word "turbulence" and this is a good word because it is a great example. On a plane turbulence is sometimes felt and slowly, usually, the turbulence will subside. This is what emotions are like for me. These recent events in my life have dampened my spirits, but it will pass. I may be sad now, but it shall pass. Emotions of this magnitude are hard to deal with, but you know, everyone can relate to this so perhaps life on both sides of the wall aren't as different as we think.

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