Quite often in the Q and A segment of my presentations I will be asked a question along the lines of, "Are you happy? Did you mind not having a group of friends in school?" To answer this I usually say something along the lines of, "Most times I am fully happy. I mean, how can one have a group of friends at the same time? That's so much work! So yes, most times I could care less." Right now, today, is one of those times I am not.
It's weird how this comes and goes and I think a comparison to a slow swinging pendulum is a a great example. There is a sweet spot in the swing that makes me feel down.
Right now I am filled with wonder as to what it is like on the other side of the wall. Normally, I simply go about my day knowing there is a wall there but I don't dwell on it and am fully happy on my side. When the pendulum is in its sweet spot though I wonder what it is like and I yearn to cross over.
I've been thinking about this and before you think that this post is a massive shot and a clear sign I am not happy I want to point out that I feel everyone, at some point in time, wishes they were something else. I could be mistaken, but this wanting to be more, this wanting to be something that they are not, is the definition of being human.
The odd thing about these times I feel like this is that even if an offer comes up to socialize I will most likely turn it down. I could have gone to a surprise birthday party Saturday night, right in the height of my sadness of feeling alone, but I didn't go. Just because I want that social interaction doesn't mean I will do it.
Already, just from writing this, I can feel the pendulum leaving that zone that I feel sad. While there are those times I look over at the other side of the wall and think that it is better I often will be reminded about my side of the wall. The gifts I have surely are influenced by the autism spectrum. Would I trade by logic and writing ability for a social life? If I were selfish maybe, but I'm not and all in all I don't need the massive social network people have (in real life). I don't need a weekend out at clubs and such. There will be times I think I would be the happiest person in the world if that was my life, but just as a pendulum swings I change my position and realize that life isn't that bad.