Ever since I got back from Grand Junction last week I feel as if I have not fully been awake on any of the days I have been back in Saint Louis. I think I talked about this in Thursday's post and I may have even mentioned that, "this hasn't happened since..." and I have been thinking about that and this actually does happen every so often and most of the time, at least for me, it comes when my mind is thinking way too hard.
Yesterday I barely had the energy to leave the house to go get two bags of ice. I stayed in the recliner and simply rested. While I will say I did enjoy the rest I did not enjoy the extent that my body and mind feel exhausted. During this state emotions are felt with my force because the minimal filters I have are not there to block. So, if I feel a little anxious it will turn into a nightmarish anxiety, if I feel a little sad the sadness will be a deep dark void from which light does not reach.
What causes all this? I'm not sure, but there is a percentage that is caused due to physical tiredness. That percentage isn't only a minority as the majority, I'm sure, is mental fatigue. I can rest all I want and sit in a recliner all I care to but that does not help mental fatigue. My mind is always working and always thinking. I believe the subconscious is strong and I have seen a pattern between feeling this yucky and coming up with the concepts I have put forth in my book(s).
If you ever deal with a person on the spectrum and there is a time for them like I am going now let me just say that you shouldn't take any of the snippiness personally. During these times, like the one I'm in now, I can be a little more blunt and a little more precise. Small tasks seem like impossible ones and bigger tasks seem like trying to get to the moon while driving a 1972 Ford Pinto. Because my mind is so busy thinking questions in the now just interrupt my mind. I'll get snippy, but trust me when I say that after the fact I do regret getting snippy, but at the time I am oblivious to it.
I like my title for this post because it is a true statement in that I truly have to cope with the sheer fact of thoughts. This doesn't happen all the time for me, but when it does, like now, I feel tired, sluggish, slower, and more emotional. Things seem harder and this might be because I don't have the full mental capacity as I normally do because my mind is lost within thought.
Whatever is going own I hope it ebbs soon. If my mind is working on a book chapter I hope it makes itself clear because I am tired of feeling tired.