Yesterday morning I had a presentation at the Police Academy. It had been a while sense I had given a presentation and with the amount of stress and sadness I've had in the past three weeks I was worried that I wouldn't be able to present in a good manner like I used to. I was wrong.
The way I have been feeling in the recent past has been identical to how I felt right as I started writing. Originally, I was angry about this for, how could I regress like this? I thought I was on top of my life and would never feel like that again.
These thoughts of anger towards myself was fueling the feelings of sadness. I felt as if I was letting myself down, but then I had my presentation and my energy level returned. This sluggishness I have described the past two weeks vanished. I stood in front of the room, stated who I am and my position, and the following 50 minutes was a spectacular display of presenting.
So, what happened? I believe it is exactly what I was angry at myself that fuels what I do. It was these emotions, these unfiltered amplified emotions, that started my writings. Before I started writing I didn't communicate my emotions, or world for that matter. I was a silent ship on a stormy sea asking for no direction or help. After I started writing I began the process of expressing myself, but it all started from these deep emotions.
With that being so, yesterday morning, I experienced this surge of energy. Without a doubt I once again harnessed the emotions to my advantage. What I feared and disliked about my emotions is exactly how I got to this point.
After my presentation I drove to Indianapolis as the USAC .25 Little Hoosier 100 is this weekend in Lakeville, Indiana. On my drive I thought long about that energy I experienced and I must say I realized that it felt as if that was the first time I was truly awake for several weeks. I can say it feel amazing, but on my drive I realized that I am lucky; I am lucky that I can use these emotions to do what I do. Whereas before the emotions consumed me and overwhelmed me I am able to use that to express myself.
As I pulled into the USAC offices my mission once again was renewed. Not everyone is going to be able to express themselves. However, I am sure others are or will be in that same state I was. I can say it is a lonely feeling, that of being a ship on a stormy, isolated sea afraid of asking for help, but maybe I can help in a way. I don't think I can unlock that which will allow a person like myself to express them self, but if I can describe what it is like by spoken words and words that are typed either on here or my blog, then everything was worth it.
I may get times when I am down, but it won't get me down long term. As odd as this sounds, I need to feel like this from time to time. My ability to tackle this mission began in the depths of feeling bad and each time I go back there I always seem to come up with a tremendous rebound.
Right now, as I write this, I still feel a little down but I am okay with this. Today I have a full schedule of flagging fun as practice is today with the heat races tomorrow. I will be in my heaven on Earth as nothing beats a race track. Will this recharge me? Quite possibly, but if it doesn't that is okay. The seas may be choppy and the proverbial weather might be bad, but I have learned I always come through stronger and more motivated than before.