Yesterday I began a new journey; I started my 5th book. I didn't get all that far, about 1,500 words which in my story of the Great American Road Trip I got to the point in time I did my video blog at the end of I-70. Starting it was difficult though as I did everything I could to distract myself.
Writing is something that has come naturally to me since the day I first embarked on this journey. However, it was a month of thinking about it before I actually sat down to write the first time. I kept wanting to deny that part of my mind as, "if I don't write it I won't feel it." I was in a similar place as I sat down to write yesterday and kept thinking, without a doubt, that the first step of any journey is the hardest.
When something is bothering me it quickly escalates to a point that everything is bothering me. Also, things that used to bother me come back. I've used several terms to describe this, but I think the word, "avalanche" is the best. On top of all that I also become very reflective and that's how the afternoon of distraction began.
I started by looking up random historical racing videos on YouTube. One video led to another then I found this gem of a video that has A.J. Foyt and Ray Harroun on I've Got a Secret back in 1961. This amazed me as I have known the name of Ray Harroun for most of my life (in case you don't know, and you probably don't, he was the 1st winner of the Indianapolis 500 back in 1911) but there he was, in person. It was truly an amazing video to watch for me.
From watching that video I began to think back on all the people that I've known in my life. Not only was I able to think about them, but I could easily look them up on Facebook and see who they are and what they are doing. Being reflective, I looked up people I went to school with and even those that I worked with in my early jobs I had.
Thinking on so many memories was eerie for me and I thought back to those days and I wondered just how different I appeared to them. Did they think something was "amiss" with me? Also, would they believe it if they saw the me today?
The train of thought continued on like this for about an hour. I often get like this when something is bothering me, and it is easy to become trapped in it. While the people that we knew in our lives may not posses any true visible power in the present day the memory of them can reek havoc. Oh, how often I thought, "whatever happened to..." and within that question, very often, no answer can be given.
Thankfully the NASCAR race came on and gave me a good distraction from the other distraction that I was doing to avoid starting the journey of my 5th book. Even though it was on I was not receptive to it. I knew what I had to do and stalling was just prolonging the inevitable.
I'm sure my writings on my blog have been a bit aimless the past week, but that's how I've felt. I have felt bad because this is supposed to be about life on the other side of the wall but the past week it has just been about life. But then, as I was thinking this on yet another yellow flag on the NASCAR race, I realized that any part of life is effected by being on the other side of the wall. My writings aren't just about sensory issues, or the hardships of eye contact, or even the challenges of walking into a supermarket. Every bit of life be it good or bad is part of it. The turmoil I've felt the past two weeks may be amplified to being on the spectrum, and then again perhaps not, but still it is my life. For one reason or another I can explain how I feel via the medium of written words and spectrum related or not I have to use my gift to open eyes.
With that thought I opened up my laptop, opened a Word document, saved it as, "Book 5" and embarked on a journey. Granted, I didn't get as far as I would like, but since the first step is the hardest I am at least on my way.