I'm somewhat thankful that this week has been so busy because, even if I had the time, I don't know if I would have been able to write something worth wile. Right now, I am still working through the events of last week as well as everything else that has happened this year.
I can't believe the non-stop action that this year has provided and I haven't really had a chance to catch my breath. If I think about it, I still get angry over my stint as a juror back in January. So it's been non-stop and the events of last week, well, I won't even use the words to actually say what it was.
Writing is one of the ways I cope with life and the world, and right now I am doing all that I can to avoid writing. I've wanted to start writing my fifth book with the events of the trip to Veagas being the first chapter, but I've been unable to even look at the computer screen.
This has happened before and each time it has passed. Heck, just trying to write this I am trying to find things to distract me. A part of me wanted to write about the fantastic game six last night in the World Series, or perhaps discuss this weekend's weather in New England.
There are times when I quite simply don't want to think about something and this is one of those times. Anytime I try to write about something else I slowly gravitate towards thinking/writing about it. Here's the thing though; my job is to write.
I believe my subconscious is thinking about this and analyzing it and, as history has shown me, I will get through it. Eventually the blocks will fall into place and I will write the long chapter that will start my fifth book. Right now isn't the time though. Could it be this afternoon? Maybe. This weekend? I hope so. One thing I am glad of, and this shows personal growth for me, is that when there was an instance like this 12 or so years ago, I quit functioning. I was much more depressed, sad, and angry; things didn't make sense. Right now the only issues I’m facing are that deep thought and writing are harder. My presentations this week were some of my best and I feel like I am making my way through this.
What I will say is that I'm glad I can state that I'm troubled and having some minor issues. Thinking back on who I used to be, I would not describe these things and I would suffer through it in silence. When I did try to speak up, and those around me tried to understand, my only response was, "you don't understand!" I didn't help the issue because, well, I didn't understand either, so there was no way any one involved could understand.
That's my goal in life, to raise understanding. When the time is right, hopefully this weekend, I will write about my "Great American Road Trip." It wasn't all bad and there were many amazing moments. The story is going to weave through the highs and lows, but of course the lows will take center stage. I want to describe the emotions and feelings because, as I said, 12 years ago when I went through something like this I was unable to talk about it. When I attempted to it just made matters worse. So, this is my goal; this year so much has happened but with each hurdle I have tried to put it in a perspective that raises a thought, or will let someone else know what not to do in a certain situation. Also, I write to show that we on the spectrum do have emotions. I heard someone say earlier this week, "Isn't it true if you're on the spectrum you have limited to no emotions?" That couldn't be farther from the truth because when we have emotions they are strong and very difficult to deal with.
I may not like it, but Sunday's the day. I am going to start my fifth book and start my own “moving on” process. It will be rough, but I can't have two more months of me blogging about nothing because I don't want to think. The longer I wait, the worse it will be.