I find it odd that I was going to write about one thing and then someone asked me a question yesterday that sort of tied everything together. To begin, I want to answer a question on here that an officer asked me yesterday. He asked, "Are you aware in social situations when you can't find the words to speak?" I answered something along the lines of mentioning my experience at the police academy last week (last Friday's blog post) and that yes, I am fully aware of when these events happen and they are very uncomfortable and yet, regardless of how much I try, I am unable to break through the wall and just be.
Many times in life I know I may seem cold or uninterested in those around me but most of the time this is just my way with coping with the world. Most people see this persona I have and give up trying to talk to me. There was one person I knew, years ago, and that never gave up. For a couple years he always talked to me, but eight years ago he was killed in a car accident.
I always tried not to think about it. I kept that cold exterior when told about it and very rarely, if ever, spoke about it. Several times I drove by the memorial that was there at the spot of the crash, and I always wondered if I should stop, but I never did. That is until I took a bike ride four months ago.
It was a long bike ride and for one reason or another I felt compelled to finally stop at the memorial and just visit. That ride was filled with a deep sorrow but I felt as if I had no other option.
I'm glad I visited it because yesterday, on my way to the TouchPoint city location, I once again drove down this road and the memorial was gone. No cross, no flowers, nothing. To the rest of the world that now drives by there the memorial is just a memory. I didn't, and still don't, understand this as it is simply gone.
Often times I get asked, "do you have emotions?" and I think that could be the #1 misconception. Beneath my attempt at appearing icy all the time is a depth of emotions. For these there is no filter but at the same time I try to deny that they are there. I think one of the reasons this is is because of the fact that if I express emotions I can't gauge how someone else will react. That's why I found writing because this one-way medium allows me to feel without the fear of an instant conversation about the emotions. With that being so, under my usual unemotional self, seeing the lack of the memorial really bothered me.
This has so many elements in play here that I'm at a loss of what to say. When flooded with emotions this is usually the response and right now I can't make sense of how I feel so I can't give an ending that is worthy for this post because I quite simply don't know what to say.