Yesterday I felt, well, awful. It started from the moment I woke up as I had a night of very real dreams that got me thinking. Thinking about what? I have said in the past, such as this blog post, that usually I am happy being me except on rare occasions. Those rare occasions are often brought about by dreams and the dreams I had were very real and shook me to the core.
In my dreams I asked myself, "What if you didn't have Asperger Syndrome?" I have a lot of fun analyzing things in dreams and a lot of my concepts in my book, "Finding Kansas" were started from thoughts in dreams. However, that dream a couple nights ago was a rough one because it started the downhill row of thoughts such as, "What's it like to be normal?" and, "What's it like to be able to socialize without anxiety that is higher that the stratosphere?"
When I woke up I was hating myself. The unfortunate thing about my emotions is that it is either, "everything is okay" or "everything is wrong." Middle ground does not exist and yesterday morning I was feeling defeated, angry, and bitter.
These emotions in me, like the ones I had yesterday, come about once every three or so months. When they hit they are as strong as strong gets. One of the reasons why they are so strong is the fact that I believe there is no stronger feeling than wanting to be something that one can't be. It is from this that a very large pit can form and for me it was forming rapidly all day yesterday.
Despite feeling angry, bitter, and all the other horrible emotions I was feeling I had to put them aside to continue my nationwide Autism Awareness and Understanding Tour presentation in Orange, California last night. It wasn't easy, but as soon as I started my presentation things quickly became better.
My presentation last night wasn't as sharp as it normally is, although I'm sure from the outside it was fine, but the reason why this happened was because I was quickly thinking about the trap I fell into. I fall into it, as I said, once every three months but, and I've blogged about this before, but when one sees who they are not they forget who they are. During my down day I forgot that I am a writer, a speaker, and perhaps an inspiration. All of that was irrelevant during my time wishing I was someone else. However, and thankfully, during my presentation I once again realized who I am and that I wouldn't change anything about me.
I once again proved a point that I've made in a couple of presentations this month with questions and that is the fact that we on the spectrum can sometimes be our own worst enemies. We can easily fall into fail sets or, in my case, be blinded by society and what we are not. When this happens we lost focus on the fact that what makes us different makes us unique. Most of the time I embrace my uniqueness; then there are days like yesterday where I forget all that. As for now though I am happy being me, wouldn't change anything, and hopefully I will remember this three months from now when this unfortunate cycle happens again.