There was an error in this gadget

Thursday, May 3, 2012

My Biggest Fear

Yesterday was an open day as no presentations were scheduled here in the Los Angeles area but even though I had no presentation I wasn't at rest. In fact, every day is like that for me because each day I am thinking. Yes, each day I am in thought of how to keep my work relevant. What I mean by relevant isn't that my presentation is irrelevant, but rather how to stay fresh with my writings and how to better describe what is going on. I am truly in constant thought and as I mentioned yesterday even my dreams chip in to the cause.

There is a downside to being so dedicated to something and that is I am always in fear that I will run out of things to say or will get to a point that I am no longer able to make things relevant. It truly is a big fear of mine so each day I put so much pressure on myself to make this blog, or my presentation, the best ever.

I said yesterday that I am fully happy being me, and I am, but if I could change just one thing it would be the fact that I have a hard time remembering what I have done. The only thing that I look at is what is right now. What this means is that each day I look at how many people view my blog, what my Amazon sales rank is, and when things are slow I go into deep thought and I think, "How can I make this better? How can I make my words so they're heard better?"

Maybe I'm like this because I care too much, or maybe because I spent so many years of my life unable to speak about how I felt and why I was and I know there are others like me out there right now and if the world has just a little bit more understanding perhaps things might be a tad bit easier for those who are like I used to be.

Not a moment goes by where I am not focused on my mission to raise awareness and understanding. Again, this is what makes me who I am but at the same time I feel this pressure of sorts to keep everything perfect because what I did yesterday doesn't matter and that presentation last month, well, that doesn't matter either. In my mind only today counts and thankfully I have a presentation tonight in Irvine and, as usual, I will put everything I have into it because, after all, at that moment in time it will be the only thing that matters.

No comments:

Post a Comment