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Thursday, May 3, 2012

My Biggest Fear

Yesterday was an open day as no presentations were scheduled here in the Los Angeles area but even though I had no presentation I wasn't at rest. In fact, every day is like that for me because each day I am thinking. Yes, each day I am in thought of how to keep my work relevant. What I mean by relevant isn't that my presentation is irrelevant, but rather how to stay fresh with my writings and how to better describe what is going on. I am truly in constant thought and as I mentioned yesterday even my dreams chip in to the cause.

There is a downside to being so dedicated to something and that is I am always in fear that I will run out of things to say or will get to a point that I am no longer able to make things relevant. It truly is a big fear of mine so each day I put so much pressure on myself to make this blog, or my presentation, the best ever.

I said yesterday that I am fully happy being me, and I am, but if I could change just one thing it would be the fact that I have a hard time remembering what I have done. The only thing that I look at is what is right now. What this means is that each day I look at how many people view my blog, what my Amazon sales rank is, and when things are slow I go into deep thought and I think, "How can I make this better? How can I make my words so they're heard better?"

Maybe I'm like this because I care too much, or maybe because I spent so many years of my life unable to speak about how I felt and why I was and I know there are others like me out there right now and if the world has just a little bit more understanding perhaps things might be a tad bit easier for those who are like I used to be.

Not a moment goes by where I am not focused on my mission to raise awareness and understanding. Again, this is what makes me who I am but at the same time I feel this pressure of sorts to keep everything perfect because what I did yesterday doesn't matter and that presentation last month, well, that doesn't matter either. In my mind only today counts and thankfully I have a presentation tonight in Irvine and, as usual, I will put everything I have into it because, after all, at that moment in time it will be the only thing that matters.

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