Yesterday I drove from Saint Louis to Indianapolis and on the drive I was thinking about the reasoning as to why I've been down the past few days. After some miles I realized that I was still working through the issues of being in the high school I would have gone to.
I thought I shook the feeling, but I guess I hadn't because I was chasing normal. I call "chasing normal" the "times when one is thinking and starting every sentence with 'If I were normal..."' As I've said many times on here, "when one looks at what they aren't one will forget who they are" and I was having this happen to me full force.
Then as I got to the Indiana state line I had a revelation. For the first time ever I have discovered what normal actually is. It's been debated for a millenia or so but I have finally figured it out. To put simply, normal is what one is not and this is the problem with normal.
As I thought about that I realized that no one is normal. Doesn't everyone wish something were different about them, or wonder what it's like to be another person? Maybe it isn't something people admit, but I'm sure at some point in time everyone wished they were normal.
Of course though, for us on the spectrum, normal is something that we chase, crave, and wonder about. I've had many sleepless nights to the mental thoughts of, "Oh, to be normal, I mean, if I were..." and each time, every single time, I lose track of who I am. So this is the problem with normal. When one chases it normal becomes a myth that's larger than life and is a place where euphoric bliss happens. I may realize this now, but the next time I wish I had a more active social life, or the next time I'm asked a question, say, at a gas station that flusters me and it takes me more time to process and in the end it's just an all around awkward situation I too with yearn, crave, and dream about this place called normal. Right now I know there is no such place, but, when the time comes, I'll want it more than anything and that, right there, is the problem with normal.