Yesterday was a mixed bag in terms of emotions. When I woke up I felt fine, perfect in fact, but soon thereafter the proverbial dam burst and all the emotions from the previous days came flooding in and everything once again felt hopeless.
After breakfast all was good again and my mind was sharp, but then a memory sparked another memory and I was relegated to going back to bed because I was just too dizzy to stand and to weak to support myself. Then, an hour later, all was fine again.
This was the way it's always been for me on the upslope out of these times of, well, I don't know if I have a name for it, let's say "dark times" for now until I think of something better. Anyway, when I am headed back to normal envision like a stock chart that goes up, then down, then a little higher, then down and the process continues until the line of "personal normality" gets reached.
Okay, my tone today surely is more positive than yesterday, but if history shows me something it's that I am still in a fragile state. Yesterday I spent the down times trying to figure out the core problem and it remained a mystery and each time I headed down it was as if a door to the subconscious was opened and a vile poison was released. So what is the core and what causes the poison? I'm not sure, but slowly I know, because history tells me so that each day should get a little bit better.
So that's where I am at today. I am by no means at 100% but at the same time I am not hating world and hating every thing about myself so that within itself is an improvement. It's hard for me to think that I used to be the way I was yesterday for weeks and months on end with little to no respite. This is why I said yesterday that, "I have no right to feel this way" because I everything I could want and more and yet I still got that same way. Well, as usual after an episode like this my motivation is increasing because I used to be at a point where I couldn't explain any of this and there are others like me out there that their families need to understand this. I did laugh for a moment yesterday when I thought back to one of the first speakers I ever heard about autism, I don't know who they were but their quote was, "We know that people on the autism spectrum have limited to no emotions." Limited? No emotions? REALLY?! I laughed because I wished dearly that it was true, but it isn't. We do have emotions; strong emotions and a lot of times we can't process them or express them and that's why I felt the need to let you know the tempest I was in. My mission is to keep positive but life isn't 100% sunny. Even when the weatherman says there's 100% sun and 0% chance rain it can still rain (I know, it happened to us at a race two weeks ago.) Because it isn't always sunny one needs to know what to look for when it rains and I feared that some might get overly sad reading that I was so sad. I mean, I do feel a certain pressure to stay "perfect" so to speak and to always be on my game, but I'm human and on the spectrum. Emotions happen but sometimes they can confuse us and it is in these times that understanding is of the utmost importance.
I'm sure this past weekend into today won't be the last time that I fall into the, what did I call it, the "dark times" (yes, I did actually scroll up to see what I called it... at least I know my sense of humor is coming back) and the next time it arrives I will write about it. Being on the spectrum I can experience great highs, and deep lows but in the end it is, to plug my own blog name, just another day of life on the other side of the wall.