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Monday, June 11, 2012

Waiting, and Praying, That This Will Pass

I feel weak, powerless, and down right awful. The feeling throughout my body is one of extreme uneasiness and anxiety. From all this my mindset is of one of supreme pessimism.

But why? I don't know. I feel as if I am back in the year 2005 the second before I started to right. To be honest, I, the person I am now, was born within this depth of despair. Again though, why do I feel like this? I keep telling myself I have no right to feel this way as I am more than I ever thought I would be but at this moment I don't see that.

I can trace the start of these current feelings and I find something interesting. I've talked about this many times and, coincidentally enough, many parents over the past two months have told me that a single memory or event can trigger a cascade effect, or as I like to call it, an "avalanche" that quickly consumes one's entire being.

Back before I started writing, when my dad would ask me what was wrong, I would always respond with, "everything." This always confused him because, as he would say, "How could everything be wrong?" This is the same thing I've been hearing from other parents at my presentations and the reason why I think it happens like this is because of the way memories are tied as well as the way they are processed. How so? This may seem odd, but I am going to compare this to the way I handle noise in my environment; I can handle a little bit of background noise but once a certain threshold has been reached all noises grow to a level of deafening distraction. When I get to the way I am now, the same principal is in effect that what may have been just a background emotion becomes this crushing weight that is intolerable.

Now why do memories factor into this? To repeat myself, this is yet another thing that I know I'm not alone in because I've heard it from parents, but our memories are too good. In my future books I talk about this quite a bit in that things don't simply pass. Events don't fade away like they seem to do for others because one my my quotes I came up with is, "everything is now." Imagine living your entire life in the past five minutes. That's what it is like for me and when one bit of emotion gets to a high enough level the whole system crashes and everything that was ever wrong becomes wrong, NOW!

How long will this last? This is the question I am asking myself because I want it gone now. It isn't simply that I will BE sad but there is a physical response as well as I have this strange sensation through me as if I was in a car that just went over a crest at a high speed. Also, energy is very low and something that I don't ever remember feeling popped up and that is a sense of dizziness.

I told myself many times yesterday that, "it's all hopeless!" not really even knowing what, exactly, is hopeless. This is the effect of when "everything is wrong!" However, I know that my statement yesterday isn't true because I am writing, aren't I? I would, however, like to put a hopeful spin on this as I do try and keep my blog hopeful, but on this I don't know how to do it so the only thing I can do is what I've already done in explaining how I feel and why I think something like this gets started. This is something I've put up with over time in my life and as I said, I was born within these depths. It was here that first motivated me to express my emotions via writing. Without how I am feeling right now there would be no book, no blog, and my explanations would never have been realized. So perhaps that is the positive in this, at least for me, because all my groundbreaking concepts and chapters have come from here. So I may feel horrible now, but I now feel motivated to start writing my fifth book as I remember what it was like in the depths of misplaced hopelessness.

3 comments:

  1. I applaud you for being able to express your emotions, it's hard for anyone to re-hash them. After reading this blog it has enabled me to see into a very small window to try to understand why my son with AS feels the way he does at times, and you explain it wonderfully well. Keep up all your work Aaron. You are INCREDIBLE :)

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  2. I have had a terrible week and have been thinking up words on how to explain just how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. I wrote so much, that I actually had to make it a 2-parter blogpost, but still felt that I came up short for the right words. Now I read this and find the exact words I was searching for. This evening I've scheduled for the 2nd blogpost to come online, so I'll add a link to your blogpost in there, since I couldn't put it in any better words. Thank you Aaron.

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  3. This... Sounds pretty damn close to how I've been feeling for the past few weeks or so. Do you also have that at times a simple thing can make it (slightly) better, for example hanging out with friends, and then once they leave everything collapses again?

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