The feelings of yesterday's blog continued throughout the morning and into the afternoon. I, along with the rest of the USAC Mopar .25 crew, arrived to the track in the morning and begin the set up process. My heart really wasn't in it and to say I was sluggish would be to say a riding lawn mower would be slow in a drag race.
Hour after hour passed and I just felt wrong with thoughts of, "Why am I not this?" and "Why am I not that?" I knew the cycle of questions was making the whole ordeal worse but that's what the cycle is; a self feeding monstrosity that once begun continues feeding upon itself in a cruel downward spiral.
The hour of 5 o'clock was nearing and there was a slight change in my thought process. Practice would begin at five and slowly creeping into my mind was focusing on the track. "Why am I not this?" was being pushed out the door by visually preparing for the cars that would be taking the track. To be on my game during the event I can't allow myself to think about what I need to do as I need to be able to do it as a reflex yet with full confidence.
20 minutes before 5PM and Kansas was now in full-swing (confused about Kansas? Read my glossary on the side bar in special pages, or for the full story pick up my book, "Finding Kansas.") All the doubt about myself in this thing called life was ebbing and as I began to assemble my flag holder all doubt about who I am, was, or will be was gone. The only thing that mattered was that track, my flags, and the safety of all that would be on or near the track.
Just like that everything changed and I was hyper-focused. This is the power of Kansas! My heart was now at ease and I went from feeling weak, hopeless, and worthless was now changed to strong, confident, and a strong conviction to make sure that I do everything I can to keep the drivers safe. So yes, just like that, all those rotten feelings were gone. This whole cycle of events is commonplace for me.
As 5PM came around and I was standing tall in the flag stand all made sense; I wasn't thinking on who I wasn't but I was thankful for who I am. There wasn't one stray thought wishing I was someone else or wishing I was slightly different. Being on my stand in the blazing sun was an eye-opening experience as once again I found who I am and I wouldn't change a thing!