There's a fire burning within me right now. It's been with me since the day I started writing and that is the desire to have someone, anyone, and everyone understand. It started out with the simple desire to have those around me understand who I am, but over the past two years it's been growing as I've been blogging and presenting and now the feeling is growing to a massive level.
There's a fire burning within me right now. It's been an on and off thing in my life but when it burns it's as if everything else is irrelevant. This fire burns intensely and it chars everything it comes in contact with. As it burns it distorts all other thoughts and consumes them into a vortex of worry.
When I want to achieve something it is the only thing that matters. Right now all I want is to be better, louder, and clearer in my voice for the autism spectrum. I've always been passionate but this is passion in overdrive. My fire for the cause is burning at a level I could never imagine. I mean, when I wanted to race it was the only thing that mattered but this, this feels as if there's lightning within me doing everything it can to explode out in a blaze of stunning perfection.
When something is worrying me it becomes the only thing that matters. Right now all I want is the matter at hand to be gone. I've always had issues like this but each time it's always as if it's the first time. The bad thing is, is that when this fire burns, it blinds. Who I am is lost, small matters become mountains, and the will to fight and not give up ebbs. Slowly it feels as if the fire will collapse my very being and I will implode inward in a blaze of darkness.
So that's the point-counterpoint of my being right now. This is an unique situation because I've never felt both at the same time. Thankfully the two are unrelated, but both examples are important to understand. One thing I get asked a lot by parents, often after a presentation off to the side, is, "I just don't understand why my child let's something bother him that much." Or the other is, "I just don't understand why my child, when he wants to do something or reach a goal, obsesses on it to the level he does."
I feel this is one of the main issues that I deal with because whenever there is a destination I want to reach all other paths are irrelevant. This can play out many ways and in school, when one subject struck my interest to a level that it lit a fire, all the other subjects didn't matter. Ha! I can remember in 2nd grade, during the science hour, I constantly would ask about outer space. Granted, we were learning about plants and photosynthesis, but I didn't want to know about that! I wanted to know about the asteroid belt, or Neptune. My great teacher, Mrs. Jendra, never got mad and always responded that I'd have to wait until fourth grade to learn about that. Oh, how I wish the internet would have been around back then!
As this fire can play out in a way that drives learning and ambition it can also consume. When something troubles me it may start out like a burning ember, but soon that embers catches something else alight, and then before long an out of control wildfire is raging. This fire can start out as something small, or something big, but eventually it will be the only thing that my mind can think of. To simply say, "Don't worry about it" is to diminish my feelings about it because at that point in time that worry carries with it the weight of the world.
During these times of fire, be it the fire of wanting to achieve something, or the fire of worry, I hope this post will be remembered so you can be better equipped to understand the elements in play. Right now I'm trying to harness this fire that will be a blaze of brilliant colors and at the same time trying to put out this fire of worry. (Yes, I know, I have not made any mention of what said fire is but it in the end it isn't an issue blog worthy... yet... it isn't a serious issue if you are concerned though.)
I'm excited about all this though! My writings and presentation were born out of the fire of worry and having both at once has, for one, made this blog today. Also, I think I've come up with what a potential new presentation I could give would look like, so it isn't always a bad thing to be feeling the way I am. But I just wanted to share what I am feeling because I go back to why I started writing and that is the simple desire to be understood.