A year? It's really been a year? This day has been on my mind since, well, okay I have actually thought about it each day since a year ago.
Yes, it's been one year since the the crash that claimed Dan Wheldon. My thoughts on the matter are the same today as they were in that blog so I don't think I can add to that so my words then remain to this day. However, what I want to touch on is the fact that today, for me, it's like it is right now.
Okay, as I read my Facebook wall today many people are in the same place I am right now. Shock, grief, and remembrance and we were just fans. As I said in my post last year that feeling I had obviously was a fraction of what it was for those that knew him better.
However, what I want to state today is something that I've been hearing over and over from parents about traumatic events. For me, this past year, it's like I've been stuck in those moments; the moments heading to Vegas having a bad feeling and then that moment, the one moment where two cars touched that started the chain reaction and the split second thought I had of, "Oh my God, no no no no..."
I've tried to find research on the matter on the internet but have had little success seeing if there are any studies on the reasons as to why it would seem people with Asperger Syndrome are much more prone to this sort of frozen in time problem. This isn't a minor problem as it has been with me for the entire year. Again, I'm not trying to say my loss was that great, and I hope I'm not coming off that way, what I'm stating is the emotions felt before the crash, and that moment right as it began are just as fresh, raw, and harsh now as they were.
This is a subject that, when parents ask me about it, I wish I had more answers. I've heard stories that bullying, a loss of a pet, loss of a parent or other family member, something they saw in person or on the news, and a couple other events that have slipped my mind but with each story the plot line is the same; an inability for time to move on. The emotions of the beginning are the same now.
A line I've heard that angers me is that, "time heals all wounds." If this is the case do I not experience time? Or, as another thing I've been learning with listening to parents and others on the autism spectrum at my presentations is that my super sharp memory isn't just isolated to me. It seems more often than not we have very keen memories and while this is a great gift it also keeps us trapped because everything is now. We simply can't move on because what happened, in our minds, just happened despite whatever time has elapsed.
Today though is worse than the previous days of the year and reading other people's memories of him on Facebook have shown me I'm not alone in my sadness today. I still can't believe it's been one year. I want to write on and on about what all this means and to try and come up with something that wraps everything up and makes everything seem right, or to make it all make sense. With this I don't know if I can. If anything, as various tributes around the internet today shows, Dan had an intense following of fans and today, for us all, we are all back at that moment on a picture perfect cloudless day in Las Vegas. Little did we know just how black the world of racing would become in a blink of an eye.