Yesterday was no better. It was a rough day and the longer something bothers me the more in brings in unrelated topics.
It's been a long while since I had a bout of whatever it is that I am going through. However, this used to be a daily thing for me and I had forgotten just how much of a burden it is. It isn't that I just an experience a sense of anxiousness in my brain but rather I am feeling it around my entire body. And, as I stated in the opening paragraph, the central issue at hand is lost because now everything is the issue.
I remember the origin of this was the start of October. Today is the 1 year anniversary of me flying to New York City to meet my publisher. Right now I can remember everything about the day be it the flight, the hotel restaurant, the view out of my window (worst view ever unless you like looking at walls) or the car ride into Manhattan and the utter sense of awe that on that day I had a meeting in The Big Apple. To have such a great memory can be such a burden because and as someone pointed out to me yesterday, well, they were more wondering because they said, "But Aaron, isn't that a positive memory?" and indeed it is but it's as if my mind can't shake the emotions of it. I know it was a great experience, but that was then and this is now but as good as my memory is it seems like it should be right now.
So, as the title of this post indicates, I am yearning for Kansas and tonight I'll get my wish as I have a presentation which looks like I'll have a good turnout for. It will be my 285th presentation and one that I certainly need.
Why do I need this presentation? As I have mentioned about a dozen times in various posts, often times when something is bothering me I lose track of who I am. Now, I don't mean this as I'm having an identity crisis but instead I don't see me for who I am but rather I see me for who I am not. This means that I don't see myself as a writer, a public speaker, or a person who has done anything. Instead I see the lack of socializing I do, and the real kicker is that I focus on every single awkward social situation that has happened to me with the belief that those events are my destiny. It happens so many times that it takes me presenting my story and experiences to an audience that allows me to accept me for who I am. Maybe this is why after so many presentations I still keep a high energy level while giving it.
If there was ever a time for me to make this point I believe now is time; this blog post is of the utmost importance for families to understand. Why? The reason is that a small problem can quickly escalate into a total war. For me, right now, it started with the simple fact that the calendar read October and now the issue is anything and everything.
As of this moment I don't have the answer as to what the quick fix is, and to be honest I don't think there is a quick fix. I see the time I'm going through as a storm; it started out as a small sprinkle but now has turned into a raging hurricane. I've learned though that I can't fight the storm as when I've tried I just get upset that I can't just "get over it." I've also learned, from dealing with this during my school years and then my dark years (2003-2008) that eventually the sun will rise and as fast as the storm grew it will dissipate. It may take time, but eventually it will happen.
For now though I do have tonight to look forward to. And if anything feeling the way I do is needed. Needed? Yes because it keeps me motivated. I know I'm not the only one to be dealing with these emotions, and being chained to memories and I also know that I'm not the only one that has to then deal with a storm that sucks in every aspect of life and makes the world seem hopeless. Since I'm not the only one my words have to be heard because understanding is the foundation for hope and tonight I plan on spreading the highest level of understanding for those in attendance because it's my passion and needs to be done.