Sorry for the delay in posting today; I had the annual appreciation breakfast at the police academy then I drove up to Indy.
As with the past two years the breakfast was a tough time for me. It's so odd for me because normally I walk into the training room with confidence and purpose as I give the officers my presentation on autism. For this breakfast though there is no presentation, no alias for me to take on, and the amount of anxiety I feel is great.
It's was even harder this year as this week has been fantastic. This is part of the reason why it was harder though; to experience Kansas so well during my presentations and then to experience complete social paralysis is so frustrating! I've done a good job managing my environment which is why posts like these are becoming rarer and rarer. But today I was reminded of the challenges I face in my social life.
The drive up to Indy was one of sadness. Tonight is the USAC banquet but my mind isn't on that. My mind is fully on the anger I have towards myself. I've fallen into that trap of forgetting who I am and when this happens a person forgets who they are. I know this and yet I'm in that trap.
Even now as I sit here in the mall and I've watched hundreds of shoppers pass me I wonder how everyone socializes so freely. I thought this as well at the breakfast. The normal world makes this look SO EASY and right this second I'd give anything to be a part of that world.
I know, maybe in a few hours, or tomorrow, or even sometime next week I'll be back to my normal self and be 100% happy with who I am, but right now I'm carrying around a hint of sadness, and a hint of wonder as to how everyone does it with seemingly ease.