It started last night right before I went to sleep. All was fine then all of a sudden I remembered the events at the start of last week and then I instantly felt lost.
One thing about emotions, for me, is that either everything is fine or everything is wrong. There is no middle ground. So, what this means is that when one thing creates a big enough splash the whole system begins to suffer meaning that things that were tolerable become a major issue as well.
When something is on my mind, I mean on my mind to the point of worry, it races around and around and around. This is what was going on last night and then one thought led to another led to another.
The first thing that came to my mind was that the day that I turn 30 is fast approaching. Then I thought about who I was and my dreams I had 20 years ago. It was almost a lifetime ago and yet it feels as if it was the present. These thoughts led me down the road of wondering what Emily is up to these days and that thought led to me think about the fact that I hadn't looked at the dedication page of my Polish book. I got out of bed and found one of the few copies I have of it and I opened it up to find it which, for me, looked so odd yet so amazing in Polish.
(Writer's note: Due to a Blogger error from uploading the photos to my phone the words after this were deleted and I had to rewrite them so it may not make as good of sense as I would like because I never rewrite something and I'm a little irritated at losing my work. I think it was good too, hopefully I can mimic what I did the first time.)
From there my mind started a downward spiral into negative self-talk. This, sadly, is common when my brain is thinking too much. "Why try? What's the point? If failure is a guarantee what's the point in making the attempt?" all all thoughts that go through my head when my mind convinces me that everything is irrelevant. And my mind will have these thoughts on topics that I know I'm capable at. The next stop on my random thought tour was a question I got asked at a presentation on Monday.
At this presentation on Monday a parent told me, "Aaron, for the first time I think I understand why my son is the way he is, thank you." A coworker of mine instantly looked at me and asked, perhaps rhetorically, "Does that ever get old?" I didn't have time to answer but that question has stayed with me because when I receive such a statement I'm confused. I don't know why I have the impact I do as I do it simply to do it. This is the same way with writing; I don't know why it has an impact but if it does great, but should it I'm not going to understand it. Maybe this right here makes myself who I am, and perhaps I should dedicate a blog post to that topic.
Midnight, 1AM, 2AM and 3AM passed and my brain would not relinquish this torrent pace it was setting. I thought about a lot of things, worried about everything, and fretted about the future. It had been a long time since I had such a night which this thought, at about 3:45, led my thoughts full circle. The way I felt last night used to be the norm eight years ago. It was these thoughts, and my brain doing 200mph that inspired me to write. I thought back to my book and the dedication to Emily and thought how appropriate it was as not one word would ever have been written if not for her. As the 4 o'clock hour hit my brain had finally had enough and I was thankful everything happened just so. I'm still in a bit of a worry spree today, but last night, right before I drifted off to sleep, I slipped a small smile because, despite how annoying it is to have a brain that runs wild like it did last night, it's that trait in which I do what I do, but it all started because of Emily, making the dedication, in any language, more than appropriate.