I don't know of another time in my life that I have been so confused. What I mean by that isn't that I'm confused as in not knowing which way up is, but rather there are so many contradictory feelings within me.
Right now I feel defeated. The sensory element of my new place is beating me up and I'd have to say it is currently winning. I don't want to relent, though. Yet I feel small, irrelevant, and just have an overall feeling of, "why can't I simply overcome it?"
On the other hand my ambition and drive are returning. And to be perfectly honest I don't know how I can feel this, this feeling of wanting to present in as many places as possible and knowing that my message is one that must be heard, when at the same time I have this feeling of being defeated. How can the two coexist?
I've pushed through the noise a couple times. On Saturday I was part of the broadcast for the iRacing Daytona 500. It was an honor to be invited to be part of the broadcast team and somehow I kept my focus while having a sensory bombardment on both sides. Then last night I was part of another broadcast on iRacing and beforehand and afterwards I had issues but when it was go time I went.
And that's how it has been the past week. Two days ago I had a presentation to about 70 first responders. Before the presentation I was in one of my darkest moods possible and I don't think I was all that pleasant to be around. As soon as the stage was mine though all that self-hate and frustration vanished and I presented as if I were the happiest person on this Earth. And come to think of it I just might have been during that presentation as that's my usual feeling while presenting.
So that's how it has been. There is a great divide between my emotions right now. I have a part of me that wants to throw my hands up in the air in disgust and say, "I give up" and there's another part of me that's hunkering down in attempt to weather this storm knowing that there is a vast world out there with millions of people that need to hear my presentation. So yes, this is what I mean by saying that I am confused.