I've been staring at my computer screen now for almost an hour. It used to be easy, this whole blogging thing, then I moved into this place and if you've followed my blog for the past month you know it hasn't been a smooth experience.
So, I've been sitting here and the only thing on my mind are the issues at hand and I don't want to bore you with the same feelings day in and day out. Yet, just because I haven't said it I am still feeling it day in and day out. So many aspects of my life are now being affected because of this.
The first is sleep. I'm trying to keep my hours on track but the only time I can actually enjoy my place is after 10PM when the neighbors go to sleep. This is the only time I feel alone in my own home and no matter how tired I am my body finds an unknown source of energy at this feeling of actually being in a place of my own because at most other hours it's like sharing a place with two strangers I can't see. Then, when I do go to sleep, it doesn't last long as the neighbor starts playing music at 4AM all the way to 9AM. It's heavy in bass that comes through the wall so any sleep I get is chopped up between songs.
The second is my blog. Before being in this place I had only missed three weekdays. I think I've more than doubled this in the past month simply because I have nothing more to say than state just how rotten I feel and after a while that surely would get old.
The third thing is my self-image/self-esteem. This is about the lowest I've felt in at least seven years. I keep telling myself, "If only I were normal..." which that line of thought produces nothing positive. I can't counteract that thought process, though.I am absolutely seeing everything I'm not and have lost my self-image of who I am and what I do. Thankfully, my presentations haven't been affected and that's about the only time that I'm still myself without all this negative self-talk getting in the way.
Another big aspect of this is the feeling of being trapped. I don't see any way to change the environment I'm in and there's no way to get out of this place. The trap that I feel I'm in, and this is important to realize for anyone that knows a person on the autism spectrum because this is a common event, is that I can't imagine anything will ever change. In my hopefully soon-to-be published second book I have a chapter entitled, "Past, Present and Oblivion" and in it I state that I know what was, and what is and whatever is will always be which means the future is nothing more than a void-filled oblivion. Understanding that change for the better can happen is something that my brain can't do. All I know is what is and what is will always be which means I'm going to be trapped in this noisy residence with paper thin walls forever.
Thankfully the race season starts up in three weekends. I can't express how much I am looking forward to this as I need it. I simply need it.