Today is World Autism Awareness Day and last night I was wondering what that meant. What does awareness accomplish without understanding. Also, last night, I felt alone in a crowd and alone in the world. This is something that I used to feel a lot more of, but is something I don't hear mentioned that often and on this day I wanted to cover it.
After my diagnosis I became highly depressed. I didn't know who I was or what I was supposed to do with my life. When people tried to help I shut them down. I always thought, "How can you understand who I am?" and I didn't want to disappoint them when they tried to help.
One of the reasons I felt so alone is this; if a person, or the world for that matter, doesn't understand then how can one do anything correctly? At the same time I never wanted to be a burden. And when one doesn't want to be a burden and refuses all help things often get worse. That's where I was.
I thought about all this last night and that I always had so much to say and no words to say it. All I wanted was some level of understanding but I believed it would be impossible for anyone to have that understanding.
This was a cycle; I wanted to speak up, but since no one would understand what would be the point? I wanted someone to help but since no one could understand how could they? This cycle feeds upon itself and the level of isolation grew and grew. I eventually thought that if I don't try and if I don't interact with anyone in the world then all parties would be happier. I was wrong.
On this World Autism Awareness there will be many stories, many blogs, and much awareness but I hope, what isn't lost in all this, are the people out there that were in my shoes. I lived the story of this blog for almost six years. It was a long process to finally believe I had a purpose in life and that understanding was a possibility. There are others who aren't there yet. It is for them I want to this blog to be heard today. With understanding the world, I hope, will become a more tolerant place. With understanding, I hope, a person will feel more comfortable with who they are. With understanding, I hope and pray, the world will be a place that those on the autism spectrum can live, work, play, and live their lives with all the hopes and dreams that everyone else has. I don't know if a single day can inch us closer to such a world, but I hope it does because I know what it is like on the other side. It's a darkness unlike anything else and that is why I truly hope and pray that we raise the level of understanding in our world.