I didn't want to wake up this morning; I truly didn't. And why would I? The dreams I had last night were to the point of seeming real and most of all, in the dreams, normality was a reality. First, let me state that I am beginning to believe there is no such thing as normal but at the same time normal is something we chase and when a dream shows me everything I'm not then, well, it's rough.
The way to describe my emotions this morning is bitter. It's hard enough to go through each day witnessing everyone else's normal let alone having dreams that sheds light on what it would be like to be normal.
Forgotten at this moment is everything I am. I am in that awful trap of, "when a person sees what they aren't they forget who they are." That's where I am. The only thoughts I am having are wondering what my life would have been without Asperger's and how normal people make normality look so easy.
I know I do amazing things. I don't think many normal people could do what I do presenting to the audiences I do or stay sane with my travel schedule but at this second I don't really care about that. To use my blog title as a metaphor, I'm like a person on one side of a 500 foot wall that all his life I've heard stories about what it is like on the other side. The fields are greener, the sun is brighter, the air is crisper, and the villages are friendlier. However, no matter how hard I try, there is no doorway, no ladder, and the wall stretches in both directions as far as the eye can see.
To me, often times, that is what normal is like. It can be explained, it can be talked about, but what truly is on the other side of the wall? Then a dream comes along which has almost a simulation of what it is like. Of course, this is my mind's assumption of what it would be like, but if you were on one side of the wall and heard all those wonderful things, and for a fleeting moment in a dream you saw the other side I am sure you would feel like I do right now.
This is something that I've heard from parents. This isn't a common theme, but it is something that I've heard more than a couple times in that children (or adults) are afraid to go to sleep not because of nightmares but because of the normalcy experienced within dreams.
When something is thought of and wondered for long periods of time it becomes more than what it is. This is the formula as to why "when a person sees what they aren't they forget who they are." The world on the other side of the wall becomes such a grand place that I am sure my envisionment of normal is far beyond what it actually is like.
If history repeats itself I'll spend the day wondering about what normal is like but over the course of the day I will slowly return to my normal (ha!) self. That's the cycle I live with. There are these times I wonder and care about more than anything else in life on what normal is, but most of the time I'm not there. It just takes one reminder, or a dream, to remind me that I am on one side of the wall. Think of it this way; I never described what's to my back when I'm facing the wall. There's a whole world on my side as well and it isn't that bad. It's just when I wonder what is on the other side that my whole world becomes defined by a wall.