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Monday, April 8, 2013

Eras Frozen in Time

My weekend was eventful. On Saturday I was up on South Mountain for round 1 of the USAC Generation Next series. It was amazing to be back at a race track. It was a hectic day, but a much needed one.

Yesterday I then got a rental car and departed the USAC crew and went up to my hotel as they're headed out west to California and I'm remaining here for a presentation tonight. The hotel I'm staying at, though, is the same one I stayed at last year when I was doing my nationwide tour.

Being back here has brought back so many memories. So much in fact that when I went to go get dinner at JoJo's Pizza I was looking for the van I had last year and not the Focus I have now.

To be honest, it's been a rough time this first week in April as I think back to last year. That tour, up to this point in time in my life, is the most fantastic thing I've ever done. With my memory it all seems right now and yet at the same time it feels like it happened a lifetime ago. It's this that, I think, makes what were good events become things that become an event that creates sadness.

Unless you have experienced that which I described in the previous paragraph I don't know if you can truly appreciate the meaning of that. Before I was diagnosed, and before I was self-aware, I remember counselor after counselor saying, "But Aaron, how can something that was happy make you sad?" I've tried my best to describe this different concept of time I think some people like myself on the autism spectrum can have, but if everything feels as if it were in the past five minutes then how can one move on? The emotions of what was then remain because time doesn't move on. This is how one year later I was looking for a silver van. This is how I still mourn the moment the trip was over.

As I think about it, looking out of my hotel window towards a very windy and dusty Phoenix, it seems anything which has a positive emotional response eventually leads to one of these eras that become frozen in time. Could this be because, normally, I am emotionally neutral. Don't get me wrong, what I mean by that is not the lack of emotions but rather that I'm usually neutral by, well, say if you gave me a scale 0-10 on happiness I will normally be a 4-6 regardless of what I am doing in terms of enjoyment. However, every once in a while, there will be an event that tips the scale and I experience joy in it's purest of forms. These moments then become frozen and it's always like it just ended and then, also, my mind feels as if joy like that will never happen again.

I might have another era frozen in time this year as I have a presentation here in Phoenix tonight, then I'm off to Tucson tomorrow and have a closed presentation and come the weekend it's round 1 of the SKUSA Pro Tour then I fly home and have a marathon of presentations in southwest Missouri. So yeah, this year is going to be special too.

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