First, let me say that writing is becoming increasingly difficult. I have a couple of thoughts as to why this is. The first is that I am so busy that my mind is not having time to think. My concepts I've created and most of my blog posts are created in the subconscious and I don't put effort into creating the work. Already this year I'm up to over 65 days on the road so perhaps this is a cause.
Another potential cause is that I've become a master and controlling my surroundings and becoming more apt at handling situations which are outside my comfort zone. What does this mean? The first part is that I've become a master at avoiding uncomfortable situations. Also, since I'm always traveling, I've become decent at the whole "live life on the road" routine. The second part is that I think I've grown by an unmeasurable amount the past 13 months or so, and maybe just in the past three months. What used to be a major episode is now just a part of life. Just five days ago I had a conversation with someone wondering, "Do I actually have Asperger's?" and this is a common question I ask when there haven't been any reminders. Remember, Asperger's roots itself socially and if one isn't in social situations how could one be reminded of it? That reminder happened yesterday.
I went to the doctor's office yesterday and this was my first time visiting one outside of the ER or urgent care in a very long time. Also, this was my first time visiting a new doctor by myself so I approached the sign in sheet very timidly and I signed it and right away the lady behind the counter told me that she could sign me in.
The process began and she got out sheet after sheet after sheet of paperwork and I felt as if I had just gone back to school after missing a couple days and I was being given all my assignments. Then she said that she had to confirm some information and she started to talk but then a lady came up to sign in. The office worker then stopped talking but the lady signing in stood still and didn't move and so too the office worker didn't speak to me. Eventually the worker who was signing me in said, "Do you need help" to which the lady beside me responded, "Oh, no. I just wanted to stand here."
Several awkward seconds passed as I was staring at the soon to be worked on papers that would ask me more health information than I would know and eventually the lady that came up left and the office worker said, "I can't speak to you when another person is up here due to privacy rules." and as luck would have it another person came up making the conversation a jerky one of stop and go.
During this conversation, or at least when it was going, I was very agreeable. I wanted it over as fast as possible and I wanted to get that paperwork done as quickly as possible. I got my chance to start working on it, but just as I did I was called into the back and some quick vitals were taken and into the room I went. I sat down and was asked, "Why are you here today?" Simple enough question, right?
What seemed to be the easiest question quickly turned into a state of panic. I had a moment of, "I think therefore you should know" so I, at first, got mad that she asked this question because she should have already known because I knew. This took some processing time and I glanced over and saw the unfinished paperwork looming and I looked back to her and my mind was blank; I tried to talk but nothing happened. I wanted to say something, anything, but I kept shaking my head as if to say, "I know what I want to say but my body and mind just aren't playing well together right now."
I don't think I showed it on the outside but on the inside I was crying. I knew it was a simple question and I knew the answer... and that's the kicker! I knew I knew the answer but still I didn't know how to respond to her.
Thirty seconds had passed and I still was spinning my wheels going no where and she said, "Are you new here?" to which now I was trying to answer two questions and I still knew why I had gone to the first place and then I glanced back over at all those new patient documents I had to fill out and I just about took out my copay money and left. I tell you, I have never been closer in my life to just giving up and leaving without saying a word than I was right then and there. It was all too much.
She then asked a third question, "so since you are new here is this an initial visit then?" and quickly I responded with, "Yes, I think. Something like that. Yes, um, yeah." and that was that. She left, doctor came in, and in the end I don't think those papers got filled out 100%, but all in all this was a reminder that Asperger's is there. I've become rather good at avoiding situations like that, but once it presented itself I locked up. And what makes locking worse is when I'm aware it is happening because then I try to "think harder" and nothing good comes from that and the end situation is that which happened. Thankfully now I do have a doctor I can go see, but I wonder this; the next time I go will I have to fill out all that paperwork I left unfinished?