Is it possible to feel so my passion towards something it creates sadness? That's sort of how I feel right now and I don't know why. It all started as I spent a 2nd day in Manhattan yesterday and every time I've been there I get inspired and once again it happened.
The feeling of being inspired though has no defined aim. I feel as if everything I've done is irrelevant and that I have to push myself harder to do more, become more, and reach more. I don't know what the root of this is but it's a feeling of complete restlessness.
This feeling grew and grew yesterday and as I walked the streets of Manhattan and strolled into Times Square it reached a sensation of maximum velocity. I remembered all the other times I made this journey going all the way back to 2006. I thought of how much I've changed and grown but at the same time I thought to the future.
Anytime I think of the future it is as if my brain scatters into a billion fragments as I try and piece out every possibility. With each of these thoughts the end was the same; where am I going?
I yearn for the answer as to where am I going. However, I don't think anyone can really know for sure where one's road in life will take them. I yearn for this, though, as I wonder if what I'm doing is enough. I don't know if I could do more, but if I could what would it be? I've been able to write decent blogs, finally, after a month or so of truly struggling. Does this mean I was pushing myself too hard?
All these thoughts flooded my head and I was just another person in New York lost within the business of their affairs. This is what I love about Manhattan; yeah, the excessive amount of honking by cabs is a bit much for me, but when it comes to the social aspect everyone really is on a deserted island in the midst of a crowded city. Except for people trying to get you on a tour bus, or trying to fill seats for a televised comedy show, the 4th wall is never broken. It's a beautifully orchestrated, chaotic system and I love it.
As much as I love the city itself I was not loving the tempest raging within me. I felt pride in what I've done but guilt in what I haven't done. But the question I kept asking was, "what more can I do?" Asking yourself that when there is no answer but having to have an answer leads in circular thought that can not end. That's where I was and that's where I am now as I write this.
Yesterday I wrote about what happened in New York four years ago and again, this time, my trip to New York has proved to be inspirational. This time though I'm not redefining myself but rather I need to figure out if what I'm doing is enough, or if I need to do more of it. Or, is this the trap that often plagues me in that I never take pride in what is, but rather I see what isn't?
From this blog I hope you can tell I'm somewhat confused. All I know is this; I want to keep doing what I'm doing. I think I need to be better at finding balance and maybe I do have it with this racing swing I'm on right now my writing has returned. My racing schedule this summer is rather intense, and I feel bad about the time I'm away, but at the same time this is what refuels me. This is what, perhaps, gives me the balance my body needs. I was wearing down, but now my strength is in the process of renewing. Instead of focusing on the next few days my mind now is trying to create some major and exciting prospects. So yes, while my trip to New York didn't redefine me this time I feel as if it added some confusing clarity.