It's been a long time since I had a case of insomnia but here I am. This may not be the best of things for myself, but for you, the reader, it usually means a highly insightful blog post. First though, why do I have this insomnia? I'm not fully sure but this is the first time in a long time I haven't had anything scheduled and on top of that I've been in the midst of a writing explosion (I think this may have been the best two week stretch of my blog to date.)
There is another thing I have been thinking about and that is words I've read from my past. Over the weekend my girlfriend and I went through my calendar journals from 2004 and 2005. While 2005 was the year I started to write both years were the darkest years of my life as I just had been diagnosed and felt there was no hope. It's easy for me to recall those days with my memory but instead of trying to describe how I felt I thought it right, because I've mentioned those days numerous amounts of time, to let my words from back then be heard today:
Ate alone, am alone, will always be alone
I'm unlikeable and will always be unaccepted
Sad sad lonely sad, but can I ever be not sad?
People are mean, they don't understand, is it even worth talking to people then?
Let's just forget these days
Did nothing, am nothing
All I want is for someone, anyone, to understand who I am
All I do is watch the days go by, why am I even alive? What's the point? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Those are just some of the ways I described my days back then. Now the question probably is, "Why are you sharing such depressing states of beings?" I think, to put simply, to show the fact that there is hope. Granted, back then, there was no convincing me of that. I don't know if I've ever written words that have such a direness to them, but that's where I was.
For those that may stumble upon my blog now, or may see me in a presentation, it may be hard to fathom that this was where I came from. Even after I started to write in 2005 I still had some pretty bleak entries. I didn't just pop up as an author and speaker as happy as can be as one might think if they were to just one blog entry or get a glimpse of my presentation.
There was a resounding theme throughout my entries and that was one of understanding. I don't think I even knew who I wanted to understand me because I wasn't making an attempt to socialize, but at the same time I knew no one would accept me so why even try in the first place? That was my logic and I know, right now, there are others with Asperger's that are exactly where I was. To those I wish I had words that would say, "it gets better" but I know, because I lived it, that when one is where I was words like that will never be heard.
As my girlfriend and I went through these she stated that she felt sad for me and I responded by saying that everything was okay. I told her that what she was reading, in all of its doom and gloom, is what inspires me to keep going. I started out writing, not knowing that what I was doing had any value or worth (I still struggle with that to this day) because I just wanted to describe to my dad why I am who I am and why I am. Little by little I wondered if others felt like myself, and if so, what would the value of just a little understanding be?
I came from a world where there seemed to be no hope. I came from a world where I thought, because I had read it on the Internet about Asperger's that, "A person with Asperger's will never have a job, never have friends, and will never be happy." I came from a world where I had given up as all signs pointed to that. And yet, despite that world, I'm here now proclaiming that there is always hope. Sometime last year a person at a presentation called me a, "liar" in that he didn't believe that I came from such a dark place but after talking I stated just how long I spent in that world and the sleepless nights where I wondered if I'd ever get a chance, or even live in a world where there would be just a hint of understanding. I eventually convinced him and he said, "thank you" but I wish I would have had those words to tell him. While I may not have had those quotes it is the ideas behind them that is behind who I have become. I've pushed myself these past three years presenting and I will continue to push myself in an effort to better society's understanding of the autism spectrum. While my depressing words from the past may just be words on a screen to you they are the burning fuel which drives me and are the essential essence of the life I used to live. I was there, I can still feel the confusion, anger, and sheer hopelessness, but here I am. While often times my blogs mention what I am doing, and my presentations have a lot of time talking about myself, this whole passion of mine isn't about me, it's about those that are where I was. That's all there is to it and it's bizarre reading my words from the past knowing that, somehow, that was me, but despite my belief that all was hopeless I now know that there is always hope.