Obviously I'm excited for my October tour coming up but at the same time there is a high level of, well, fear in a way. Perhaps fear isn't the right word but rather a feeling as if you're standing at the foot of the Empire State Building with the intentions of climbing it on the exterior and then going down the other side.
As I said, I am excited but this sense of, whatever word you want to call it, has consumed me. From that I'm seeing the whole journey as one. What this means is that I don't see it in segments and the ability to break down the journey from point A, B, C and so on isn't there. This same mindset was one of my biggest hindrances when I was in school and it affected me in two ways.
The hardest day of the year for me was the first day of school; one was, obviously, the change in schedule, but the second one was I was seeing the entire school year at once. Going into the 8th grade I spent all summer worrying about every potential writing assignment that could be done. It really was a non-linear thought process because there wasn't progression but everything, in my mind, was in the now. Secondly, when I would miss school and a pile of homework would be sent my way, I would have the hardest of times handling this situation because I, in my mind, could not understand the fact that completion was a possibility because all was now. There was one time my parents broke it up into smaller chunks instead of letting me see the entire mass of papers and that worked out much better.
I've had a very hands off approach to this tour coming up and I don't think anyone has understood why. One person said, "But Aaron, it's your life, you should be involved." and while that is a 100% valid and great point I really can't because of what my mind will do to me.
Two nights ago it finally hit me that this tour is going to happen. I sort of had it blocked off in my mind, but two nights ago I realized that it's a reality and the end result was a bout of insomnia and I went to sleep just moments before the sun was scheduled to crack the horizon. On that night I began to think of each moment of the journey, and all the potential issues that could come up, I thought of my presentations I'd give, and I even started planning out the fuel stops across Texas. It was a never ending process of thought that wasn't even broken as I slept as even in my dreams I thought about the tour.
In 2012 I had an entire month of races to flag before my tour and that broke up my ability to obsess on what was coming (and breaking a few ribs at a race in Nashville helped too) and as I look at my calendar I am thankful that once next week comes I become rather busy with presentations in Saint Louis, and then Hannibal and Union next week then the following week will have me back speaking to students, then to a major Saint Louis company and then it's off to a race, then back just in time to drive to southwest Missouri to speak to the majority of students in a town down there (SUPER EXCITED!!!) and then off to Lancaster, California to flag a karting street race and then... well then it's time to hit the road and start the tour.
While the proverbial stakes are higher than when I was in school and worrying about writing assignments the feeling is the same as every moment is dedicated to thinking about it. There are moments of respite, however, and those moments are so great. I always try and make what I'm experiencing into something useful and here I'm going to say that, when something pops up like I'm feeling right now there isn't an off switch and this constant processing and thinking on a subject isn't by choice. It's as if there's a giant magnet in my brain that is drawn to whatever it is that I'm thinking about and it's hard to break the attraction.
Anyway, that's where I am now and while I'm talking about my tour I am hoping that by next week I can give you the finalized scheduled. Once October comes I'll be fine, but the lead up is going to be one filled with a level of anticipation that will be on par with, well, it'll be in a league in it's own because I have never been this excited for something in my life.