Ranking good? Again, as with the prior post, I'm not talking about good deeds or the difference between good and evil. This good is defined as in how good/great a personal event is. This is something I've struggled with my entire life. I've always had a great deal of difficulty understanding if something I did had any value and, if so, just how much. I don't think this chapter made it in my book, but I wrote a chapter entitled, "How do I Win?" and in it I talked about the struggle of not knowing the score of life. Think about it; if we use my "Game Theory" as well as "Cement Theory," and we look at the fact that I loved playing games at a young age there would've been ingrained in me a sense of accomplishment by some sort of tangible and visible system. However, in life, so rarely is there an occurrence where things are so black and white.
I've always operated under the "-est" system. This will be a chapter in my second book and in that chapter I put forth the concept that I always will remember a strive for the "-est" that being the greatest, the best, or anything thing to the superlative. However, again, how is this measured? How do I know where I rank with anything I do? When it comes to games there is an easy way and that's with leaderboards.
The pinball game I mentioned last week has an easy way; one either has the world record or they don't. The sad thing for me is that I will try and try and fight and fight for a world record and when I get it, well, there is a fleeting moment of accomplishment but then there is a sense of emptiness because I realize that a world record like this, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't mean much and proved nothing.
I live with so many contradictions. Going for a world record means everything and getting it means nothing. Unless you have experienced this you may need to read that sentence several more times to maybe, just maybe, get a fraction of its meaning. On top of that I have always needed reinforcement on what I've done. That reinforcement comes in terms of being praised, but when certain people do give me praise I will instantly discount it because, if one of my parents give such praise it is, in my mind, either in simple kindness or through biased eyes. Whether or not that's the case, I can't really say, but that's the way my brain takes it which gets rather annoying to not be able to simply accept that something I've done is good.
Maybe another underlying factor is a sense of needing to be perfect. Perfection is something rarely seen, rarely experienced, and if one strives for it always, then they may just be setting themself up for a constant sense of always coming up short. I've mentioned this a few times in the past few months, but I am still waiting to have my first perfect presentation. I've been told I've given a few, but I just always know I can do a little bit better, to have a bit better pronunciation, to have slightly better timing and better responses to questions.
In the end, perhaps, it is simply that good is in the eye of the beholder and there is no quantifiable measurement of many aspects of life. How good is a friendship? How good are the words I've used? What's the score of this blog? The score of my previous presentation? These are all questions with no answers and living in an all or nothing, black or white world, a world without score or measurements, is a world of confusing feelings.
I set out writing this just wanting to explain it a little bit, but that previous paragraph is going to stay with me for a while. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it was a good way to explain it. Yes, I'm going to allow myself the feeling of satisfaction on this because I may not have explained this all that well to you, but for the first time I have a firm grasp of why I've always been my biggest critic and why other' words of praise has had no standing. Yes, all in all, I will rank this blog as good.