It's becoming an annual event and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the changing weather that triggers it. Maybe it's the symbolic closing of the year. Maybe it's because this month has so many memories. Whatever it is I can't wait until January!
Starting this past Tuesday morning I just felt, well, abysmal. Energy? Gone. Creative juices? Not flowing. Anxiety? Running wild. Sleep? Hard to ascertain. Waking up once asleep? Even harder. This is the norm for this month and if you go back in my blog archive you'll see I have a post like this each year whether it is about the anxiety or the insomnia.
As the first day of this went on I wasn't even fully aware that it was December making me, for first time, potentially ruling out the fact that so many memories are contained within this month. Sure, I may have been aware of it in a subconscious level, but I wasn't consciously aware of, "oh, look at that, it's December."
So what is it then? Is it that it's just a natural thing to go through tater a busy year? That's one correlation in that while I've been blogging and presenting October and November are extremely busy which every person at some point in time is going hit the wall. Is this what this is? Is this simply my body saying, "hey, need a break here!" That might be but one of the things spurring this anxiety is the fact that I'm not traveling or presenting at the moment. Talk about a confusing feeling! I'm exhausted but I feel awful that I'm not doing things that are exhausting.
It truly is odd to have this duality of sorts. It's awful though having the issues that come with it. Sleep is, indeed, hard to come by but when I am asleep my dreams are the most vivid I can ever remember which in turn makes waking up almost impossible. This creates a self repeating cycle and furthers the inability to properly deal and process emotions which makes everything seem impossible and on and on it goes. As I said, I can't wait for January.