Wednesday, January 7, 2015

A Shout Out to 1995

On Thursday I'll have my first official post about the events of ten years ago which led to where I am today, and last week I talked about what 2005 meant, but in all this nostalgic talk I do have to mention another reason why 2015 is important to me and that is that it marks 20 years since 1995. Okay, that may not seem like much because 2016 will mark 20 years since 1996, but for myself 1995 was a memorable year.

I didn't realize how important 1995 was until about 100 presentations ago (I've given 589 to date in the past five years) when I noticed that I start several stories with, "back in 1995..." Yes, many of my stories in my presentation were born in 1995. The story of the soda can which my friend put on my dresser that remained there for five years until my mom threw it away happened as well as the story of the first Supercross race I went to in Saint Louis and the ritual of my dad and I eating at the diner on the way home. Also, 1995 was the first year I raced karts as well as held a flag in my hand as an official during a real life race.

Perhaps it's this combination of 1995 and 2005 that have given 2015 greater meaning. Sure, there is no actual correlation between these years minus the fact that they all end in a five, but I've always seen patterns and even though I know there is no logic behind it I have all this pressure to make this year the greatest year yet.

Wow, we're just a week into 2015 and I'm already repeating myself which is a point I can make. When I feel something I just don't feel it; rather it becomes a notion with so much motion that it is all consuming. The words of "wanting" or "desire" to convey how strongly I want to make this year amazing fall way short. Not even the word "ravenousness" is strong enough. (writer's note: I cheated, I looked up the thesaurus to find a work that is a synonym to desire and found that ravenousness word.)

I wish I could just accept the fact that I know I will try my hardest and that's all can do. Why should I worry for things that I have no control over? I wish I could give an answer that dispels my angst, my worries, my anxieties, but I can't. I do worry. I do fret about all the "what ifs" that may occur. If a person plays a game and gives it their all what more can be asked? Why can't I accept this. Perhaps it's the Asperger's in me, perhaps it's just who I am. Whatever the case may be let me get back on track and finish this post out by saying that as important as 2005 was 1995 was important as well and I don't have anything exactly planned like I do for posts about 2005, but maybe an idea or two will come up over the course of this year.

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