Thursday, January 29, 2015

After Kansas and The State of Doing

If you want to know when I feel at my absolute worst it is when something I really enjoy doing has come to an end. I'm sure most people are like this, right? I mean, if you are in the midst of an activity you really enjoy and it has come to an end there's going to be this feeling of a let down. However, for myself, this feeling seems to be amplified.

I'll take last week for example. This week I've felt tired, a bit sad, and have not had much energy. Okay, so maybe the fact that I'm sick, have a fever, and can't quit coughing has something to do with this, but there's more to it on the emotional side of things.

When I am on a presenting tour like last week (11 presentations over four days) or have come off of an intense race weekend there is this absolutely dreadful feeling as if everything is wrong. When I'm "go go go" everything makes sense. I was like this when I was younger to albeit it a more minute way. If I had been to my friend's house, or a school project I enjoyed, which was rare, was over I'd feel the same way.

So I've mentioned this feeling; what is this feeling? It's an odd one because history tells me I'm wrong, 600 times over, but it's a feeling as if what I did will be something that I never do again. Read that again, or rather I'll just write it again, "never do again." That seems like an absurd statement since I have done 600 presentations but, and this goes to the title of the post, if I'm not in the state of doing an activity it's as if the activity never took place. Read that again, I won't rewrite it this time, but think about it; to do something, enjoy doing it all the way to the soul, and when it's over believing that it's never going to happen again is not conducive to a positive mindset.

As I mentioned, I've always been like this. It's evident on my blog going back to May 4th, 2010 and when I thought I had given my final police presentation.Almost five years later I'm still involved in CIT training and have actually increased the amount of academies I present at. But at that time, I felt like it was all over.

To add to this it can be difficult for others to understand this. I can look at my calendar and visually see all the presentations to come, and there will be more added I'm sure, but it doesn't seem real because I'm not in the midst of doing it. When I'm not presenting, like this very moment I write this for example, I can't fathom how I can stand up in front of a group and present. It boggles my mind, and yet each time I do and when I present I have the time of my life and as the lights get turned out, the people leave, and I get into my car it's as if that part of my world got sucked up into a black hole and has ceased to exist.

I have only spoken of major moments in my life but for others this can be much more milder events such as an intense round of Minecraft (is there such thing? I don't know, I don't understand the game) or a conversation about what that person's Kansas is. When we are in our Kansas everything just clicks, things make sense, and at least for myself the crushing amount of anxiety I feel isn't there. This is why I cling to Kansas and will do anything to take part in it, to extend it, and to stay there because once it's over, it's as if it never existed at all.

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