It's that time of the year for my least favorite blog post... my birthday. Yes, I loathe this day but here it is and it's another year I have been on this wonderful Earth. However, unlike all my previous years, my emotions aren't what they usually are. Typically my emotions are raging on this day as my birthday is bad because it is a reminder that I am, as is everyone, marching towards the inevitable. Time is a commodity that can't be bought, bargained with, and when time's up, well, it is.
That's what I've worried about in the past; how time impacts me and those around me. Perhaps this is a slightly selfish view, but time equates change and change is bad therefore the passage of time is bad. As I said, though, this year is different. I don't see myself as a year older this year but instead I see another year of what I'm doing gone. It's a shift this year as instead of fearing the inevitable I'm now seeing that I'm not going to be doing what I'm doing forever. I don't know if this change in thoughts is a good thing because I worry.
What do I worry about? I see the passage of time now as an indicator now of the unknown time of the inevitable. Nope. I now see it as an indicator of everything I have left to do. Maybe this goes back to yesterday's post in which I talked about being a world record holder on a pinball table wasn't good enough because I knew I could do better. I feel as if I'm at that point now with what my life is. Maybe I'm blinded by ambition, but I want to be more, do more, and reach more because if I did this more people may experience something I didn't for a long time in my life and that is hope.
There's a major issue with being blinded by ambition and that is being blind to what has been accomplished. I know I've done more, have been more, and reached more than I ever could have imagined, but I think about the sentences I may forget in my presentation and I also look on how many people have bought my book and I wonder how can I get that out there more. And same goes with this blog and I wonder how I can reach more people.
It's an odd feeling having an opposite feeling on my birthday. The end feeling is the same as I still am not a fan of this day. With each year more and more things happen and I think back to a decade ago and there's no way I'd ever predict 1% of the stuff that has happened. In fact, I'd have laughed out loud in a hysterical fashion if you'd have told me I'd be an author as the thought of writing hadn't crossed my mind yet. With that being so why can't I just accept that things will happen when they happen? Why do I set such lofty and almost unobtainable goals for myself. I've always strived to be as good as I can be, but in the profession I'm in it's hard to measure what I'm doing.
Of all days of the year I'm most reflective on this one and I try to make sense of all aspects of my life and the biggest of all is measurement. If I were in sales it'd be easy to have a barometer of where I stood. There are so many different professions that have an easier time and for myself, well, I do have numbers. I can look at the amount of presentations I've given, the amount of people there, and I have my sales rank on Amazon for my book, "Finding Kansas" but I often get depressed when I look at that. All those are fine, but what does it all mean? It's hard to measure the unmeasurable and the impact I'm having, to myself, is just that. I can have explosive speaking numbers one month thanks to school presentations, but I can a month later give just a few presentations but, perhaps, change a families life. That's major stuff for myself considering just six years ago I had zero hope in my life and now, somehow, I went from the messenger of no hope to telling the world there is hope.
I'm going to try and not get too depressed today. I've made it another year and somehow each year of the past ten have gotten bigger and bigger and why should the run up to 33 be any different? I have a clear mission in life and thankfully it's also my passion and I enjoy presenting more than anything. Even after five years and 601 presentations it's not old yet. I may have lofty goals, and I may not have much patience to achieve it, but if there's one resounding message of my life that I have learned from the previous ten birthdays it's that things will happen when they happen. Will I ever be a bestseller? Will I reach 100,000 people spoken to in my career? Will I keep coming up with relevant material for my blog? I can try and force all these things but I've got to just let it happen. I can't allow my fear of time, or the lack thereof, to sway who I am. I don't know what's next, but on this, my birthday, I'm thankful for each and every year I've had.