I wrote this chapter write after “Trapped” but in terms of this Finding Kansas Revisited project several weeks have gone by. I actually write this on the 10 year anniversary of writing “Emily” and if it weren’t for this anniversary I am unsure if I’d ever have finished this project. Reading “Trapped” was a rough experience for me and I don’t exactly mean this in a bad way. It’s just that I feel as if I haven’t written anything as relevant as that chapter. I probably have, and I’m about to read tomorrow and will write on that, but that’s why I’ve feared reading my own works.
I was right. Just reading the first chapter continues the true essence of the struggles I face with having Asperger’s. There’s a glimmer of hope as I wonder if that magical racing ride would happen and my life would begin, but I see much more negative in what could be. Also, in the second chapter, I already have isolated the fact that I don’t remember people but oine thing that I do, and forgot that I do because it’s so much a part of me, is that I do remember people in my dreams. My dreams were, and still are lifelike and as vivid as watching something on television. To be honest, many of my book titles and blog posts were born in the middle of the night while I was sleeping. However, I still fear each morning as there’s no telling what atrocities may have occurred while I was sleeping.
The fourth chapter… it was the essence of where I was when I wrote this. It was March 2005 and time was ticking. I know I cried as I wrote the words that, “there’s a youth movement and already I’m considered old.” I didn’t know it, and couldn’t conceive it, but what I was doing was setting up a new life through the words I was putting down.
The following chapter is yet another thing I live with the quote of, “I am oblivious to any notion that good will come tomorrow.” I live in the now. I know now. Now is a constant that time erodes. With time comes change and change is bad therefore tomorrow, and an hour from now, it’s all unknown chaos. I knew that then and I still know it to this day.
The final paragraphs may seem confusing, but it’s more of the “core” that I wanted to explain. Part of my severe anxiety to life is this fear of change, and tomorrow has more change than anything. I planted the seed of knowledge within myself on this chapter. I didn’t exactly say it, but there’s a hint on understanding the fear of change within itself is, or can be, worse than the change itself. It would take a while, but I’d eventually be able to write that, but beyond that point this chapter is another one that I feel is part of the core and essence of who I am.
There’s been two versions of my book. The first was a self-published version and then in 2011 Perigee, a division of Penguin, picked me up and rereleased it in 2012. There was some editing, okay, a lot of editing done and many of my repetitious things got cut. In one way this was good because I was extremely long winded with chapters like “Emily” (26 pages single spaced!) and I repeated myself many times along the way. This, for one reason, was because there would be a few weeks that would go by between chapters and I wouldn’t go back and read what was already complete. There was another, and main, reason for this and that was that I was feeling the same emotions over and over and over again. Just because I’d written one thing one way one time didn’t mean those emotions were gone. This is one confusing thing I’ve heard from parents and that is, “why does the same thing bother my child over, and over again?” The reason is that, whatever is now is forever in our minds and in this chapter of “crash” there hints of this as I repeat several times, as with the chapter prior, hoping that I would get that call and know that my life as a race car driver had begun.
Outside the repetition there are other tidbits of knowledge that are important in here and one of them is the way I describe the feeling as the final checkered flies. I feel this same feeling to this day but it isn’t for the reasons mentioned in this chapter. I’ve come to the conclusion that, now mind you, I feel 100% mentally and physically exhausted at the end of a race day because… wait for it… because I am. I put more effort into waving flags than most and my mental ability to pay attention to everything does wear on me but not until after the fact.
As I wrote this chapter I’d never envision that I’d be a national flagman for not one, but two series and can say I flag the largest karting event on Earth with the SKUSA Supernats. That’s like an NFL referee knowing that they will be working The Super Bowl each and every year. Also, I have all the travels with USAC and the .25 series. However, if you want to see me at my most emotional state, find me after a race because, chances are, I have experienced this crash phenomenon I state because I am tired, but I’m also having a coming off the mountain experience. This too happens after presentations by the way.
Oddly enough, the day after I wrote “Crash” I would have a major social disaster happen at bowling which I am unsure if I blogged about it, or if I wrote about it in this, or one of my following and yet to be published books, but if it comes up I’ll reference back to this.
Also, and to conclude, it would be 17 days until I would write my next chapter and that chapter would be written in room 312 of the Imperial Hotel in Kisumu, Kenya and would be an experience that would change my life forever.