Thursday, February 12, 2015

Finding Kansas Revisited: Trapped


Trapped

            It was twenty days from the time I wrote “Fear” to when I wrote “Trapped.” Writing comes in phases and also a bunch of exciting stuff happened in the middle. One was watching the yearly Speedweeks coverage of NASCAR at Daytona, but I also had a meeting with a production house that did ABC’s Indycar coverage in working a few events as an intern of sorts. I was really excited at this prospect, but it feel through at the last moment due to changing of intern policies.

            Another thing that happened was that I was preparing to go to Kenya for the first time and when I got my yellow fever vaccination I had some sort of reaction when the needle came out and my blood pressure dropped and so do I. I’d lose and regain useful consciousness for the next two hours at the ER before I finally stayed awake but it’d take a full week before I regained my energy.

             To make matters worse the highly anticipated title of Gran Turismo 4 came out so that too took up a great deal of my time but then when March 2nd happened I started to write once more. It was actually playing GT4 that inspired it, as noted in my calendar journal above the fact that I wrote this chapter I put, “Why am I not racing in real life?”

            So this chapter of Trapped was the first time I used my motto of, “change is bad.” I actually had forgotten that the story of the St. Elmo, Illinois water tower was in my book and I still do wonder whatever happened to that 1988 IHSAA final four team.

            Another point of this chapter which still ring true is not remembering people. I can still recall that hotel lobby in Lithuania but the people there are blurred out. I wonder what this chapter would have looked like had I had the awareness I had now, and the knowledge I gained from the time I ran my Sunglasses Experiment.

            As I finished this chapter I reflected that the challenges I have with time and change have remained; the difference is in that they aren’t consuming me as they used to. Another factor is that other challenges and events have replaced those mentioned in this chapter, but the challenges are still there. Somewhere along the way I got stronger. Maybe it was writing. Maybe it was accepting that chapters like this, and the way they play out in my body, are simply a part of me and I can either fight it, or accept it and deal with it. I think I used to deny the feelings which always led to bottled up emotions.
            This was another chapter that was hard to read. I probably mentioned this but I have never read any of this and reading it has been difficult. I am astonished and what I knew back then, and the old me has actually made the current me think about things. I don’t know if that means I’ve regressed, or if my views have just broadened so much that I’ve forgotten where I came from, but again this chapter was a little unsettling to read.

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