It's now been a full two weeks since I returned from Amsterdam and the thoughts and experiences I had are still being processed. I feel the writing I had during that week was my best material in years and I've actually dreaded writing again because how can I top that? How can I write anything that has anything close to the relevancy of the difference in eye contact, or have a blog about bacon, or an adventure the likes of being lost after midnight?
Those are fears I've had in terms of writing, but another thing is that I learned one cannot run away from emotions. My trip was born out of a breakup but emotions loom and linger. It was one thing to be halfway around the world in a self-imposed bit of isolation but it's an entirely different beast to feel that way at home. It could be that I know there's an adventure out there, somewhere, but the words I first read when I got diagnosed keep running through my head. I know they're false, I know there's hope, but at this moment in time I'm chasing normal harder than I ever have before.
If you don't know what chasing normal means it's this; first, there's no such thing as normal. It's a myth, a fallacy, however it is something every person aspires for. Now, if you start chasing normal the first thing that happens is that you will forget every bit of person you are because you're only going to see what you're not and then, no matter what, you will never be good enough. That's sort of where I am right now.
Should you go through my blog archive you'll see this is pattern and about every 3-5 months I've blogged about this very thing. This has been coming and I think my trip eased it, but it's here and it's rather ferocious in its ability to bring me down.
Back to the trip though. I have had time to think about it and beyond a doubt the experience was a resounding success. I knew I'd write a little, but in just a week I had over 15,000 words! And those words weren't filler either. It's got me thinking on how can I make the next event like that bigger and better. To be honest I actually have already came up with an idea that may be my biggest writing challenge and greatest life adventure to date but I'll share that all in due time, and it may be a while, but I know I'm capable of great things no matter what this negative self talk born out if chasing normal says.