Monday, November 2, 2015

The State of Now and The Acceptance of Fate

This is a topic I've written much about, and will be one of the main themes of my second book, but it is also one of the most difficult challenges I face and is, I believe, the driving force behind the ease with which my mind is willing to give up.

So the title of this has two different things. I just eluded to giving up. This is  the "acceptance of fate" aspect but what leads to this? This is the state of being which, in life, is constantly changing. However here's the thing; I know my brain handles the concept of time differently which means that whatever is now is forever. Take a look at the post before this and the day I about gave up. Despite the positives before that day at the conference the only thing that mattered was what was in the here and now, and since what happened now was bad this meant everything would always be awful thus I accepted this fate. 

The concept here is something I've been hearing more and more of from teachers and parents as of late. Maybe it's just been luck, maybe it's on the rise, but it is vital to understand the elements in play here on the reasoning we can seemingly give up so easily. You can point out our successes and you might get frustrated that we don't see it but how can we? We are blinded by the current state of being and I don't know why my brain is incapable of seeing the prospect of change in the future, but my mind operates under the code of "whatever is now is forever" therefore all is lost. 

This past weekend was difficult for me as my brain played the unfortunate game of, "if I were normal..." During this awful game I become extremely sad as I wonder what it would be like and if that would mean I wouldn't have spent the weekend alone. Would I have gone out with a group of friends doing whatever it is that groups do? Would I have an amazing conversations with people I don't know? The possibilities on what could be are endless and just as endless during this is the self loathing that I am who I am and not what I have this image of normal to be. 

You see, that was the state of being this past weekend and in my mind it was the only thing that mattered. Today is a new day and I'm looking forward to presenting tonight. The fog with which I was in has passed as the state of being has changed. I realize life isn't 100% good all the time, this is obvious, but it would seem we on the autism spectrum are much more prone to issues with the here and now and accepting our fate of failure, or loneliness if that is the current state of being. No matter how many times my catastrophic and terminal thinking are proven to be wrong I still fall into the trap of thinking there is no hope, no change, and the future will be just what is in the now. I don't mean to make this post overly depressing, but these are the elements in play and the challenges I face. 

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