It's my 1,300th blog post today and yet I don't feel this sense of celebration that I typically do. I returned home from Norway eight days ago and my brain is still deep in reflection about the trip, the previous trips, my future trip, and what it all means. Also, as the year comes to a close, I'm having an extremely difficult time weighing this year and whether or not 2015 was a good year or a bad year.
This year, as I stated at the beginning of the year, was going to be an important one. I hoped it would be the year that I break out but many times it was more akin to 2005 which was my most miserable year that I've had. And yet, despite all the setbacks this year, just like 2005, the things that happened inspired a book at my travel book is now 60% complete at 62,000 words.
The things on my brain are the things, right now, that are setting me back are the constant thoughts that go through my brain. I'm not sure if this is 100% related to Asperger's, I think it is, but it's the thoughts that I, "need to do more" and that, "I'm not good enough." Good enough for what? I don't know, I don't have that answer. If I were to do my classic full year in review event there would be event after event of amazing stories and the places I've been and the people I talked to but what my brain sees are the downs of the year.
Yes, I think this is related fully to Asperger's because I've had conversations with others that experience this same trait of no matter how much things went amazingly well the only thing that will matter will be that one small seemingly irrelevant detail that didn't really matter and yet that one detail will become the world. For some reason this has been with me the entire time after I've returned and getting acclimated back to being in my home country just hasn't happened yet.
Could it be exhaustion? Possibly. Each year I impress myself on just how much I can push myself. Less than 12 hours after landing back home from Norway I drove 13 hours to go to my mom's in Nebraska for Christmas. This, after the trip, the events I've flagged, the presentation marathons; I mean, being exhausted is only natural and yet, since it's been three weeks since I presented, I feel this uneasy restlessness that I need to be doing more.
I feel this is fitting that this mixture of emotions is where I'm at on my 1,300th post because this is exactly where I'm at right now at this point in time.