It has taken a few more days than I would've liked to get this blog post out but my emotions have created a bottleneck the likes which I haven't experienced and expressing much of anything hasn't been easy.
This does build on the previous post about understanding the invisible part that post was about society understanding and not about myself understanding. What does that mean? Take the title of this post. So often movies and songs have the title of, "Now and Forever" but that title doesn't quite fit the way I view time. Here's the thing; change is something that is impossible for me to comprehend which means now truly is forever. Whatever I am doing, or feeling, will be which means if I'm down or something is stressing me I'll remain in that state, perhaps self-imposed, because the ability to understand that tomorrow is a new day with infinite possibilities isn't there.
A smart person once told me that, "we allow ourselves to be where we are" and I understand this but at the same time I can't see that change can happen. I can't see that my worries will ebb and that I will eventually have new worries and the worries of today will eventually be simply a memory.
This is, perhaps, black and white thinking at its finest (or worst) as emotions such as worry are all or nothing and when the concept, or lack thereof, of time it creates all the ingredients for a perfect storm that starts feeding upon itself and with each cycle the storm intensifies.
In my 2nd book called I Think Therefore You Should Know (hopefully being released Q4 of this year) I have a chapter entitled, "Past, Present, and Oblivion" which looks at this concept of time in depth. Depending on the week and the current struggle I am having I'll say something is the, "most frustrating part of Asperger's" but I may hold firm in the future that this struggle with time and that whatever is now is forever is the biggest struggle. Why? A decade ago I was rather idle in life and outside of bowling in two leagues I didn't do much of anything and I was convinced that the state of being I was in was the state of being I'd have forever. Did those fears come true? No and you'd think with each revolution I've experienced in life you'd think I'd learn that things do change, things do become easier, and things happen that I never could've dreamt of, but this isn't the case. Wherever I am is where I will be and however depressed, lonely, frustrated, or whatever emotion or state of being I'm in is what I'm going to have to endure for all the rest of my years.
Some of the ongoing issues I could handle and take care of if not for the fear of change. See the contradictory nature of this? Socially I could take actions to come to some resolutions but then that would evoke a change and since change is bad and whatever is now is forever I am stuck in the middle with both options being wrong. Is that frustrating to read? Or perhaps it didn't make sense? If that's the case imagine living with this day after day!
I have no idea what the future holds and half of my brain is trying to tell me things get better and things will happen that I never could've imagined but the other side is convinced that where I am is where I will be forever and my hands are tied on being able to make any changes. I mean, I have a lot of exciting projects on the table but how can I be excited about them when, since they aren't in the now, they will never be? That's the thing, closing this post by coming full circle, if it isn't in the now then how can it ever be because now is forever because the only guarantee is what is now and since my brain can't conceive of what is to come that means the emotions of today will be forever because things either are or aren't and things to come can't be counted on. It's black or white, all or nothing, exists or will never be and as I said with the Tuesday's post you may want to bookmark this because there may be a time where this post may give you understanding as to what's going on deep beyond the surface.