It's been eight days since my previous blog post and not much has changed. Actually, things just haven't felt right for me and with each passing day things seem to get more difficult.
I'm torn by so many conflicting feelings and that is, I think, the heart of the issue. I know without a doubt that I have grown on my trips but what does this mean when I get back to home? I get the exact same feeling now as I do after each year's SKUSA Supernats which is, when one experiences pure bliss, how can it possibly be followed up? On top of that, going back to the conflicting feelings, when I went to the end of the earth I willingly put myself into a state of isolation and that sensation eventually became liberating and yet the isolation I experience at home is all but paralyzing.
On top of all this I have this sense of guilt. Yes, guilt in that I have done some rather incredible things the past year, heck, the past six years to be honest and you may think I have this big ego about myself, or expect special things because I am who I am, but this isn't the case at all. I'm actually still the same shy, unassuming and always fearing the worst person I was six years ago when my blog began. Yes, my skills have grown and yes I'm capable of much more than I ever realized but at the same time the events I've done and places I've been hasn't changed the inner person of who I am which might just be the root of this pit I'm in. Which with all this so, is this the defining aspect of Asperger's in myself?
What do I mean by defining aspect? I don't mean it in the terms of defining who I am but rather defining the area it impacts me the most. Sure, my ability to read social cues isn't the best and I'm uneasy in most open ended social realms but so often the way it impacts a person internally is overlooked and in my case it creates this constant sensation that, "I'm not good enough nor will I ever be." Those may seem like tragic words and when I shared this at a presentation several years ago a parent told me, "I... this... I'm sad for you" but at the same time this is where the fuel to forge onward comes from. Odd, right, the exact thing that holds me back makes me excel? It's true, though. Every concept I've created has come from a time I've been in this dark pit of despair. Every idea I've had be it my hit series Asperger Insights or The Aspie Traveler came from this area and I've got two more ideas which could be bigger than those if things work out right and it all came from this dark place in my mind which tells me, "I'm never going to make it."
It's taken me eight days to work through these emotions to be able to express them and I hope you can see the almost duel state of being I experience; on one hand I know I'm excellent at what I do and know that I'm horrible at what I can't do but what I can do I don't do well enough and what I'm horrible at I should do better. Read and re-read that sentence because if you know a person with Asperger's they very well might go through the same thing and the ability to express such things isn't easy. Now, remember, not every person on the autism spectrum is the same and I won't say I speak for anyone but myself, but living with this constant battle of conflicting feelings isn't easy to do nor is it easy to express in a way that is understandable. Maybe this will be it, maybe tomorrow's blog will pry deeper into this. I'm not sure, but there is considerable depth to this post and is one, if you know of a person going through any sort of struggle like this, you may want to bookmark to reference back someday.