Like many across America on December 31st I was watching the coverage from Times Square and the dropping of the ball and as with each year previous I tried to stave off emotions and as with each year prior I failed.
I watch the millions of revelers in the streets on television and I am in an awe of sorts as there’s so much excitement and passion which I don’t understand. The last thing I try to do in life is acknowledge time. Time represents change and change is bad therefore New Year’s Eve is the ultimate day for acknowledging the passage of time.
For many 2016 was a year to forget but the thing for me is that it will NEVER be 2016 again the same way it will never be 2015, 14, or 1999 again. Things that have a certain finality make me cringe and each day, each moment is one that will never happen again and this is hard for me to accept. If things could just stay the same in this moment I wouldn’t have to process, things wouldn’t change, and within that comes safety. Of course, what I just said, is outright impossible but that’s the way my brain wants it.
This sadness with time is where my associative memory system is based out of. If I remember certain numbers, words, and if I have the right physical items around me then, for me, it’s like everything is right now and change never happened.
The previous paragraph is much deeper than I think you can understand and is deeper than any words I could write could give justice. This is also why it may appear, at least in me because (cue the first time in 2017 I say this) if you’ve met one person with autism you’ve only met one person with autism, I am unemotional when I should be and overly emotional in times when others wouldn’t think I should be. I mean, how many people breakdown in tears because of a changing in the numerical year? I tried to avoid it several nights ago and as the countdown began at 60 seconds and as the partiers in the streets screamed in anticipation and as the confetti began ahead of midnight and as the final countdown began from 10 to 9 to 8 to 7 to 6 to 5 to 4 to 3 to 2 to 1 and to the fireworks I was streaming the tears out. 2016 was over and as the millions in Times Square celebrated I sat bewildered wondering how people celebrate the passage of time. It is something I’ll never understand but as I said in yesterday’s post I am embracing this year and I am embracing this year and I hope this year is fantastic, but whatever may come I know come December 31, 2017 I will once again be staring at a television screen wondering how so many people can be so excited to celebrate the passage of time and another year.