Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The Journey's First Day

Driving down the interstate yesterday I thought of yesterday's entry. In fact, it was about the only thing I thought about. My mom commented on how great my memory is, and that was partially what I thought about while driving to Fort Leonard Wood.

For me, that phone call I talked about yesterday feels like it was just five minutes ago. I'm not sure if other people on the spectrum share this trait of an excessively great memory, but I do and because of this I constantly have to work through the same things over and over again.

Because I work through the same things I may come to the same conclusion twice while working through the same problem. Trust me when I say this is tiring! I've had about three entries on here that end with me finding my place, or living the dream, and of course the article that stated how I found my calling, but each time I've posted it was like I found it the first time.

What causes that? I am in a constant struggle to convince myself it was all worth it. The two relationships I talk about in my book still sting like it just happened. Having the deluxe version, in terms of memory, makes it hard for time to pass therefore "moving on" is something that I don't understand.

The good thing about this problem is that it is a constant resource for me to tap into. If I was 100% happy I don't know if I would write. Don't get me wrong as I am not depressed, but my memories are still there and if anything it is like always lugging around a 15lb bowling ball. Yes, I'm strong enough to carry the ball, but after several hours it just gets to be a burden.

I thought upon all this and as I neared the Fort I wondered if people will ever get tired of me rediscovering my calling? I hope they don't because I need it. I need that motivation because I hope that whatever I have to say may prevent the sequence of events that happened to me. Understanding the way the mind on the spectrum thinks is surely difficult, but I hope to give just a glimmer (or more) into how my mind looks at the world.

Yesterday's presentation went great. The audience, I think, took a lot out of it and I was thanked many times. I am so grateful TouchPoint has given me this chance to tell my story and educate and raise awareness because again, as usual, I rediscovered my passion. Driving from the Fort to Springfield last night I, once again, believe that all the pain and all the sleepless nights were worth it.

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