Saturday, July 24, 2010

Aaron vs. The Room

It's about to begin and the battle could be intense. It has been building for years and must be dealt with now. What is this battle? To put simply, I need to clean.

Cleaning is something that isn't easy. Cleaning represents things being thrown out and I can become attached to almost any object. As shown in this picture, the pile in front of the television has been gaining strength for almost five years now. This pile stretches back to the computer in the back corner of the room and that area hasn't been touched since I started writing back in 2005!
The last time a real effort to make this room look like a real room was the day of the Super Bowl 2005. Once I started writing I guess I just liked the way everything was. Everything has its spot and while it may look like a haphazard pile of stuff I know where everything is.

Today I must clean though. I have a new computer on the way and I want to reorganize the layout to give me more space. I want to flip the room around, but to do that I must do battle with this room.

It's going to be a sad time because I have told myself I am not keeping everything. Some stuff will have to go. Other stuff will be relegated to a box that may not be opened for some time. Will I actually be able to do this?

The final steps of my room cleaning will be to take apart my computer desk. I will be using my television monitor for my new computer and will place the television on it. For most people this would be a non-event, but for me, that computer desk is where I learned I had a gift to write. I spent many sleepless nights writing my story in that corner, but now it will be changed. Can I accept this?

I don't have too much more to say on this. I have had many posts on this "inappropriate attachment to objects" and don't want to repeat myself. What I will say is that, if I come across anything that evokes a thought to write, I will write throughout the day on my progress. Until then wish me luck as I have a room to clean, ahem, a battle to fight. Doesn't cleaning sound more fun when referred to as a battle? (Finished at 9:13 AM)

(9:22 AM) It didn't take me long to have my first emotional moment. I decided to start around my computer and instantly had to make a difficult choice.

For the past 5 years Ryan from Mass. and myself have played Grand Prix Legends (GPL) GPL is one of, if not the greatest racing game of all time and we had a game to see who was faster at certain tracks. The community on the game made a total of something near 500 tracks so my score sheet I printed was long. I also printed out the world records so I had 60+ pages of lap times. Ryan has moved on to other games, specifically iRacing, and I don't know if we will ever go back. The score sheets provide a reminder of this and if I keep it I will be sad of the times, but if I throw it away I fer I will forget it.

As a compromise I kept the master sheet that had what cars on what track sets we completed and what day we started and finished each. This will be a treasure to me forever, but the 60+ pages had to be let go.

After working through that I started cleaning around the printer and had the proverbial win knocked out of me when I found my boarding passes for my trip to Latvia I had back in 2008. That trip was so needed at the time as I was in a severe depression, but seeing that country and meeting a new culture perked me up. These boarding passes will not be thrown out, but I need to figure out where to put them. That's all for now, back to cleaning.
(9:42 AM) This is an example as to why cleaning must be a solitary event for me. The sheet to the right may look like trash to you, but this is the score sheet from April 22, 2009 when the trio bowling team I was on shoot an 813 game. Our scores were 245, 289, and 279! This was one of the last times I bowled in a league as I had to set out last year due to a lingering wrist injury from a racing crash in 2007.
This score sheet represents so much. All the people I bowled with, all the fun (I lied, bowling, when one is a decent bowler, is NEVER fun!) and all the experiences. This sheet evoked so much emotion that I have to admit a tear formed in my eye.
I knew this sheet was floating around in here somewhere, but if someone else would have thrown this out and I couldn't find it later in life I would surely have gotten irate.
(10:03 AM) I just filled my first garbage bag to the top. I should have been paying attention because it was way to heavy and these bags are not made for garbage. I mean, why would the bag be really big without the ability to be able to sustain it? I wish someone would have gotten video of me trying to get this bag into the dumpster without having the bottom fall out.
(10:24 AM) Random thought: Cleaning makes me very hungry.
(10:36 AM) Oh my! Going back to that photo at the top with the television, well, I was working on the pile in front of it and as I got to the bottom I found a very sad item.
Under it all was my Siam's (my cat) bed. He loved that fluffy cat bed, but what makes this sad is the fact that Siam died April 10, 2009.
Once he was gone I tried to remove as many memories about him as possible. Each trigger that I forgot floods me with emotion. I honestly don't know what to do with it now. I can't throw it out because it was his, but I have no need for it and all it will do is remind me of the best kitty ever.
(11:25AM) I can't remember the time I spent over two hours cleaning. Okay, to be honest, I can't remember the last time I spent over 30 minutes cleaning.
I made some good headway today and I can actually see the floor. I do think there's a real possibility that I will be able to flip the room around now.
It was difficult though. I threw out so many memories and when I found pictures of my former girlfriend I lost my breath. I had forgotten what she looked like and I studied the photos as if I knew who she was, but couldn't place who she was.
Memories are an odd thing. Some items can take on a meaning far and beyond what it actually meant. I suffer from this a lot and I think this is because of my associative memory system. I remember people and pets through items more so than the person themselves. An item is more than an item, it is a connection. Connections with a person in their presence is rare for me. It has happened so I know it can, but it is rare. However, I feel that connection through items, and today I threw a lot of them out.
You could say today is the start of a new era as I purged out the memories of old. Something lies ahead for me and if one is always chained to the past how can one move forward? This is what I am telling myself, but a lot of strong memories were tossed out today.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks, my partner has a really hard time letting things go and your blog helped me understand better. I too get attached to things but I have found that having photo's of these is helpful in a memory book or for me on iPhoto. If you have a paper you just can't part with what about scanning it into your new computer?? Not tactile but still there to look at. With your kitty bed you might (if you are ready) take a picture and attach a little piece of the bed to the picture so you can feel it. Don tries so hard but he feels such a loss letting things go. I just got rid of my college textbooks from 26yrs ago!