Tuesday, September 7, 2010

I'm Only as Good as My Last Event

Of everything I deal with there is one thing I would change in a heartbeat if I had the chance and that would be my lack of being able to accept past successes. I see myself as only as good as what I have done in the short term.

Right now I am still being consumed by the "I'm sorry" comment. I know I could have responded better, but I froze. It is in this that I am reminded that I have Asperger Syndrome. Believe it or not, I don't spend every day thinking, "Hey I have Asperger Syndrome". I am only reminded when something occurs, like being apologized to for having it, and this is why I prefer to be alone. If I am alone I am simply myself and there is no chance of such reminders.

I have a negative outlook right now because of that experience I had. I feel as if giving up is the best course of action. Will I give up? No, but that's how I feel.

I can have success after success but all it takes is one hurdle that makes me stumble and I will question my ability to get the job done.

Looking back at my archive I have had an amazing year traveling the state and also fulfilling my dream and being in the flagstand for the races in May, but that doesn't matter now. All I want is to go back and give a better answer and not freeze on the apology comment.

This is an important concept to understand because other minds on the spectrum MAY share this trait. This trait is "whatever is now is the only thing that matters." It is hard, if not impossible to get my mind to change its outlook because the past is irrelevant (unless the past is the current thing that is the only thing that matters) and whatever is being thought of now is the only thing.

I have looked at my calendar and I see that I have presentations coming up including being on a panel at the USAAA conference, and that should be an amazing experience, but I am still stuck in turn three of the Rock Island Grand Prix and the emotions of not being able to respond to a simply apology. Well, I guess it wasn't simple because I am writing this now and everything else seems harder.

Readers from every continent will read this today, and I should feel some sense of pride or accomplishment to this, and normally I do, but again I am still in my corner, working the race, and feeling insignificant because someone felt the need to apologize for who I am and I was unable to respond.


  1. Aaron,
    Try not to take that comment so hard. It's No Big Deal. She only said that because she was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. It's also possible she has no grasp of what AS even is.

    And, we all freeze up at one time or another. Its normal. I have one incident that happened about 6yrs ago that I still relive and wish I could have spoken up. But in the grand scheme, it's No Big Deal :)

  2. My first time commenting here, but I enjoy reading your blog and hearing your perspective on things. It's immensely helpful to me as a teacher because it helps me better understand how students with AS I encounter may be processing things. Thank you for putting yourself out there so that others can have a better understanding.

    Maybe the reason you "froze", in the bigger scheme of things, is so that you'd spend this time reflecting on what you wish you'd said so that you could say it ON THIS BLOG. Yes, maybe you missed a chance to change one person's perspective with a more thought-out response to her thoughtless apology, but on your blog you have the opportunity to give that "better" response to people all over the world. A permanent, written response, rather than ephemeral words.

    Just another way of looking at it. Take care! :)

  3. @Kate. What a wonderful insightful way of thinking this through. Great advise. I was going to suggest that you sit and write a letter to this person and tell her everything that you would have wanted to say. You would, of course, never send the letter because you dont know who she is, but as you know, writing helps purge the soul. But then, that is exactly what you are doing Aaron, is writing. And it was neccessary for you to reflect on the interaction first. So you really did achieve a great accomplishment after all.