Monday, November 15, 2010

Leaving on a Jet Plane (and The Emotions I Should Be Feeling and The Torubles of Transitions)

Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow is the day that starts the week that I look forward to all year. I mean, my year revolves around this week as Wednesday is the start of the SKUSA (Superkarts USA) Super Nationals held at the Rio in Las Vegas. This will be my third year as the head flagman of the event and I truly have been counting down the days since last year's race.

Ask anyone I know and they will probably tell you that I mention this race way too often, but for me this is the ultimate week. There is no more intense race to flag and for the sport of karting this is one of, if not the biggest event of the year.

Right now though I am having a hard time realizing that I leave on a plane tomorrow morning at 6:30AM. Truly I can't envision what is coming. The previous two years I have flagged I was counting down the seconds until the event, but right now it is like there is nothing tomorrow except my routine.

The only reason for this hole of emotions is that I have become so entrenched in my routine that I can't fathom what is to come. This by no means is a bad thing because I do fully love my job and this illustrates the need for sameness. You see, the previous two years I flagged this race I was jobless and had nothing else to look forward to. The only routine I had was that I had no routine at all.

I was very sluggish over the weekend and energy was hard to come by. I kept trying to realize what the events are for this upcoming week but I never was able to accept it. I know once I am there I will have more than enough energy will savour every minute of the event, but even still I can't predict for myself what is to come.

This has happened to me more and more this year. With the trips I have taken out of town either for USAC races, or speaking engagements for TouchPoint, I have been getting more and more forgetful of items. I used to be a professional packer and would be packed and ready to go no less than 48 hours before departure. Today, well, besides washing my flags on Saturday (you have no idea how dirty they actually were from the dirt race I did at Eldora a month or so ago) and printing out my boarding pass while writing this I am unprepared.

Routines are very important for me and thinking outside of it is very difficult. When I was jobless things like trips were easier because I had no routine. Now, trying to think outside of the routine is like trying to imagine what it would be like to be on planet Neptune. It's just virtually unimaginable.

Again, I am glad I have this problem as, for me, this is a good problem to have. Is it a challenge? Somewhat because I now part of this complete lack of energy I have is due to my mind trying to comprehend my routine going away. Come to think of it, I used to always feel like this the last week or two of summer when I was in school as well as the last week of school in May. Transitions to a new routine or changing a routine has always given me this feeling of absolute tiredness.

When I say tiredness I truly mean no energy. I took a six hour nap yesterday and then proceeded to sleep 14 hours last night. It's almost noon as I write this and I could sleep some more.

Perhaps anxiety is the root cause of this seeing that I don't like routine changes. This is important to understand because even an event that means everything to me can cause a negative reaction in my body beforehand. Unless you experience something like this I don't know if you can understand just how powerful this tiredness is.

Well, I could drone on and on about this, but I think I have proven my point. My flight leaves in 18 hours and 30 minutes and then maybe I will be set in the new routine.

I will say I am hoping to update this blog daily, but I don't know if I will have internet in Vegas. As if places in Vegas don't make enough money the internet is $14.95 a day if I remember correctly so I may be limited on updates. What I might do is write using MS Word and do a total of two updates. And then again maybe I can find a way to get on.

The SKUSA Super Nationals run Wednesday through Sunday and the live audio feed can be heard at starting on Friday. I will be flying home on Monday and then be heading to my aunt's house outside Washington D.C. on Tuesday for Thanksgiving. Then there may be a third leg to this journey, but more on that later should it happen.

If I can't find a way to get on at all this week I will send short updates via my phone and will give a recap next Monday.

After I posted this, I mean the instant I pressed "Publish Post" it occurred to me that in all instances that I can recall where I got this tiredness before the event I instantly come out of it once the new routine begins. I will use a saying that I have used in many chapters of my books that, "Whatever is now is forever" because that's the way I see it. Knowing that there is going to be a big change this week wreaks havoc on my system, but as I board that plane tomorrow all the energy lost will be replaced with a surplus of energy. As much as I can't imagine it I will say I can't wait for it!


  1. I am just wondering have you ever throught of taking drugs for anzidtry like Dr. Temple Grandin does????? Or just taking drugs for your side effects of your autism

  2. Yes, I heard aboout that, too. I have had her mention antidepressants, before. She thought that it helped with anxiety/ nervousness.
    I hate getting out of "my routine". When my job schedule changed and I had to pick up another job, it was troubling. It threw me off from a lot things. At first, I was employed-trying to get used to doing my things each day that I do; getting up earlier, grocery shopping at certain times of week, cleaning, etc.My job changed and I got thrown off and seemed very sad about it. I thought "I'm lucky I have work," but the change bothered me. It affected my attitudes, too. I feel cmfortable in my routines. When I don't have one that I am used to, I am cranky and displaced.I feel like I don't want to do aything. I try not to have all or nothing thinking. I was even getting upset about my certain foods being forgotten at the grocery store. Been a little lethargic since then, but I am still going.

  3. I had a bad experience with medicine before I was diagnosed and now am somewhat afraid of medicine. This isn't to say that medicine is bad, it's just that I am afraid to try it. Again, as Temple has said, it does work for some as she has said it has truly helped her anxiety, but I choose not to.

  4. Hey Aaron, stop being so recognisable, it's scary :P (kidding)

    So yea, again I can totally relate to how I feel right before an anime/manga event. Especially when it's an all-weekend (friday to sunday) event. This is how I solved it:
    The first time I went to an all-weekend event I went through every possible thing that could happen and the things I would need for that. I wrote down everything that I might need in a list. I started this about a month before the event. I took one day for the list and then every time I came up with something else I might need that event, I immediatly wrote it down.
    After the event I happened to still have missed some things and other things were deemed unneccessary or just too much of it, so those were thrown out. This way I altered the list and now I have a ready-to-go list for every event. The only thing I need to do before every event now is alter it according to the specifics of that event. (for example, the kind of clothing I wear and if it's just a one-day event, I can cross out all the sleeping stuff and limit down on foods. And so on)
    It was a lot of work to start out with, but now all I need to do is alter the list a bit and pack my bag. Doesn't mean I never forget anything, but it saves me a lot of fuzzing about what to pack before an event.
    To a lot of people this seems like a lot of trouble for packing a bag, but for me (and I can read for you too) the anxiety before an event is already taking up all my attention and making me tired. In that state it's very hard to think about what to pack.

    PS: God, I really need to learn to explain things in fewer words...