Friday, September 9, 2011

The Dream is Better Than I Imagined

While I was writing my book I never envisioned anything like what I've got today. I was writing for the sake of writing and to finally express who I was and why I was. Presenting never crossed my mind until I got to the chapter, "The 4th Wall."

I wrote that chapter to a certain song that had a real "what's coming is big" sound to it and while writing that I envisioned myself in a small town, somewhere, enjoying dinner by myself after a presentation that included the explanation of the 4th wall. I quickly disregarded those thoughts as too grandiose and too impossible.

Yesterday I drove to Marshall, Missouri for a presentation. I wasn't expecting a big crowd at all as when I was here earlier this year there were about 10 people there. The location was Missouri Valley College and I got there an hour early and saw that the room had about 100 chairs set up. This surely couldn't be for me, could it? I mean, who am I to get that many people in a town of only 10,000ish?

As 6:00 came (the presentation was 6:30) some people showed up. It started with five, then 10, and at 6:20 there was a line out of the room waiting to sign-in to get in. I was expecting 10, and at the scheduled start time people were still lined up waiting to get it. When I finally began there were over 100 people in the room!

I think back to the night I wrote the 4th wall and all the dreams I had. I told my dad that night about what I imagined while writing it and how I felt my words had the utmost of relevance, but I still shook in fear that no one would read it. On top of that I asked, "I can see myself presenting about this, but that can't ever happen! I mean, I can't talk to two people at once much less a group!"

My oh my, how times change! When I wrote that I wanted to be in new places big or small and spreading awareness. For some reason I thought of those thoughts I had those years ago and while I was at Applebees after my presentation I remembered who I was and I broke down. I had to stare out the window because I didn't want to see anyone see me, sitting alone, with tears in my eyes.

We all have dreams, I'm sure, but how often is it that we achieve those dreams and then forget where we were beforehand? That happened to me last night. I have my Missouri map and I've been all over the state, but at that Applebee's last night I remembered where I was those five years ago when I first allowed myself that iota of an inkling that I might just be presenting on this stuff that I was writing someday.

I quickly gathered my composure back and I sat there, in the crowded and somewhat loud place as most people were cheering over the Green Bay Packers lead over the New Orleans Saints, alone. Among all these people I was alone with myself with a great big smile on my face. Others were smiling because Green Bay had just scored, but I was smiling because I am living that dream. Yes, I am living that dream that I said was impossible and it is much greater, sweeter, and meaningful than I ever could have dreamt.

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