Monday, December 19, 2011

The Seasonal Blues

My weekend wasn't the best of ones. It started out okay, but sometime after the sun set on Saturday I just felt down and slowly the way I've felt every on or about every Christmas since 2004 happened.

As bad as Saturday was Sunday was even worse. I woke up angry. At what? At everything really. I looked outside and felt trapped in a way. I'm really loving being in my own place, but I'm withdrawing even more than I used to from the world. It's like my professional life is going up just as fast as whatever social life I had is going down.

Sunday was a unique blend of my usual seasonal sadness coupled with the rare times where I wonder what it would be like to be "normal." 99 out of 100 days I am more than happy with who I am and then comes that one day when I look out the window and just wonder what it is like to be a part of the normal world. Yes, there probably is no such thing as "normal" but for me I'm farther from it.

For dinner yesterday I decided to try some place new so I made the short drive, walked in, and saw a long line. I really wanted to try this place, but I was quickly overwhelmed by two things. The first was seeing so many people conversing naturally. It might be something you take for granted, but when I am on that 1 day of 100 that I truly yearn for that hint of normality and I see people conversing freely without any effort I get sad. The world so often makes it look so easy and here I am chained and scared and overwhelmed by the second thing which was needing to talk to the hostess and ask how long of a wait there was. It didn't take me long to decide and I was out the door and back in my car.

I did have some relief from my own thoughts as every other hour I was in hyper-Kansas playing iRacing. During the heat of competition my mind wasn't as hard on myself, but after each race I found myself right back to square one and wondering what it is like out in the normal world.

Eventually, as always happens, I will go back to being perfectly happy with who I am. I've talked about this trap many times, and I fall into it, but it is a hard thing to look at one's self not from the standpoint of who you are but what you are not. If everyone looked at themselves in terms of what they aren't I'm sure everyone would be in a depression pit as deep as the Marianas Trench. However, for me, it is so easy to see what I am not as we do live in a social world with social cues and conversational etiquette that I often don't understand. Yes, I normally let all this slide off and not bother me, but on that 1 out of 100 days it hurts.

So today I go forward. I still fell down, but I've got a doctor to visit today, I've got bowling to, well, bowl, and then the drive to Indianapolis for Christmas and New Year's. Car rides usually allow me to calm down and see the world in the right light so I hope that trend continues today.

1 comment:

  1. Well you aren't the only one with a weekend of yearning for being 'normal'... Last week I actually got into a huge argument with the board from the event which is my ultimate Kansas. This argument escalated and I sort of exploded out of frustration of not being able to explain myself the right way. This all turned out pretty ugly and it might prevent me from becoming Staff Events there... So this had me crying a lot.
    Also, I started my new job last Thursday. I already told my colleagues I have great difficulty in having a conversation at lunch, while I do really long for being a part of the conversation. So they tried to include me by asking me questions.
    I didn't know what to do with those questions though. It were questions like 'do you like it here so far?' and that kind of stuff. I simply replied 'yes, I haven't done much yet, but that's logical, but so far I like it' and didn't know what else to say to keep the conversation going.
    They tried asking me more questions like this, but I had to think so hard about what to say to keep the conversation going, my conversation partner thought I ended the conversation. He turned around and spoke to someone else.
    I know he didn't do it on purpose, this was all me. He was being very kind trying to help me. But this saddened me and made me very angry at myself.
    I had the opportunity and still didn't have a proper conversation... If I can't talk about my hobbies with someone, I just have no idea what to talk about, so I end up giving a blank stare.

    Yes... I hate having escalated the argument, maybe ruining my friendship and chance forever, and I hate that I wasn't able to have a conversation. And because of all this I started to hate being on the spectrum.

    Good things also happened this week, lifting my spirits a lot. A group of friends started a Zelda (it's a game) marathon from wednesday 'till today (monday). This marathon was Live streamed and you could donate money for a good cause and also win/buy Zelda goodies. This money would, of course, also go to the good cause. Next to the Live stream was a chat (which is usually the case at UStream) and we had a great time on their. Also I won an amazing goodie bag and bought myself presents for my mum and sister and a Blue Link costume.
    This lifted my spirits, but didn't make me feel differently about the spectrum yet.
    I hope something happens that does make me think differently or that I simply 'get over it'...