Tuesday, August 21, 2012

The Raging Fire

I hate to write another post along these lines as I've done so a couple times the past month but it's the only thing on my mind after the events of Sunday.

I'll be honest, the accident on Sunday scared me. The end result wasn't as severe as the previous crash this season, but the suddenness of it as well as the fact that this car vaulted into the air towards me left me reeling later on when I realized just how lucky I was.

What does this mean? I've had way too many close calls in my life but after each one I realize that I must be here for a reason. To get through so many "episodes" as one person calls them and to have still be in one piece is nothing short of a miracle. So again, what does this mean? This means that I realize time is short. In life we don't have a redo button, or three continues. We have what we have and we've got to make the most out of it.

The after effect of these episodes are sometimes rougher than the actual event. Connie, the person I gave a big shout out to yesterday for putting up with me while I was in the ER, told me that I can't play the "what if it had been worse..." game but I must apologize to her because I'm breaking her rule. And it's that I can't help it. But I don't think playing the "what if" game is 100% bad because every day a "what if" situation happens. This should be motivation of sorts to live every day to its fullest. This should be motivation to do the most each day possible.

I carry around me a sadness of sorts and this is my motivation. There is still a part of me that is living in the time frame right after my diagnosis. I was alone and in a very dark place. I had no way to share my feelings and because of this there was no way for anyone to understand who I was and why I was. That is my motivation to keep going today because I may have been in that lonely, dark place but I know I wasn't the only one in that place. There's still people to this day that don't have the understanding in their environment and without that it is very difficult for that person to get the support they need. This is my fire! Each of these episodes keep the fuel on the flames. To be honest, I was about to quit writing because, "Why should I keep diving into the depths of myself for nothing?" but after the episode of Kenya in 2005 I kept going on the offshoot chance that maybe, someday, someone would read what I have to say. This time though it's different. My passion, I thought, was maxed out, but I was wrong. It just got stronger. 

1 comment:

  1. thanks for sharing..i'm thinking of all the people that are still undiagnosed..i have strong feelings that someone very close to me is on the spectrum and self admitted it..he is filled with guilt now because our son has been diagnosed with autism..when he was a boy the word autism never existed..it's not his fault he may be on the spectrum..i have told him repeatedly to get counseling but he won't ( for other reasons) ..he thinks a stranger can't help him..he only trusts very few people and I am one which can very totally exhausting at times..and i tell him that, for my own self care..anyway sounds like you felt like a lot of people would feel..and you obviously deal well with crisis..it is true with crisis the after effects are felt because we are in survival mode when in "the moment" like when the car nearly hit you..after you felt all those scarey feelings..processing them, making sense of what happened to you,it's all important..a part of the journey